MAYrathon Day 18: Picture Show Red Hot Soda

This one is going to be quite short. I got two sodas from Boots Beverages, and I think I'll have a lot more to say when I get to the second one. The only reason I am trying the Red Hot Soda today is because I had that other hot cinnamon soda yesterday and I want to compare the two. Plus I'm ridiculously tired right now so any attempts at being funny, witty, creative or handsome will result in me drooling on the keyboard or making poop jokes. So let's call this one a quickie. 

Cracking this one open; it has a faint atomic fireball scent like the last one, but not as strong. It's a little heavy on the cinnamon more than anything. Taste? While the Liquid Fire one lived up to its name of a truly hot and spicy soda, this one more tries to capture the essence of a red hot candy without really going for heat. It's very sweet but not at all hot in any way. I would compare it to the Ranch Dressing Soda I had a long time ago. It certainly had a ranchiness to it, but it was a sweet and sugary soda through and through. Not terrible though; it's obviously easier to drink because it's not burning my insides. Alright. That's it for today. I promise to tell funnier fart jokes tomorrow. 

MAYrathon Day 17: So Duh! Liquid Fire

Today I'm looking at So Duh! Liquid Fire soda. Here's what the bottle has to say: "Duh means many things to many people; an airport code in Ohio, a punk rock band, To us, So Duh! means - 'Isn't it painfully obvious this is a delicious cinnamon soda made in small batches with quality ingredients and pure can sugar?' So if anyone asks, 'is that soda good?' We hope you'll say DUH!" 

I gotta give it to them - they are confident in their product and aspirations to bring back a 90s catchphrase. I guess Gag Me With A Spoon Root Beer didn't test well. This soda (sorry, So DUH!), comes to use from the Hermitage Brewing Company in San Jose, California. I did some research and they are apparently a legitimate beer brewery that has a pretty loyal following even though I've never heard of them here in the Midwest. What I couldn't find was any mention on their website of the So Duh! brand soda or any other sodas in general. They seem to be strictly a beer brewery.  So how did this get made and why? I have no idea; the only thing I DO know is that it's been sweating red stuff since I took it out of the fridge which probably means its been opened and I'm going to die.

Oh well. Let's taste it anyway. Upon opening the bottle, it appears to be very lightly carbonated and it smells exactly, I mean EXACTLY like one of those Atomic Fireball candies. You remember those individually wrapped cinnamon hot candies? I honestly don't even know if they make those anymore. Let's taste it...I mean, it's essentially the soda version of those Atomic Fireballs. And it's not messing around either. It started with a sweet and spicy cinnamon flavor but them goes straight to the nose like a plate of wasabi. It's really spicy. This would go great in a mixed drink but a bit difficult to just drink on its own. Very creative though and I applaud them for delivering what they said they would. Believe it or not, this is only one of two hot cinnamon sodas I have in the fridge. Let's see how the other one measures up tomorrow if I'm not in the morgue from cane sugar poisoning. DUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYrathon Day 16: Primal Strips Meatless Jerky

I'm still hungry, and I used up all my concentrated ham salt at breakfast today. You might even say I have a PRIMAL hunger that can only be curbed by some MEAT! Quite possibly my favorite roadside snack and quick meaty fix has always been beef jerky. The dried beef has reached a renaissance of sorts in recent years with everything from turkey and bacon to the obscure such as elk and alligator all getting the jerky treatment. It's safe to say that this is one of those creations that will stand the test of time as long as it contains dried meat and delicious spices. But what if someone were to take away one of those tried and true ingredients? Then you're presented with meatless...vegan...jerky. It's like a freak of nature! It's like drinking appleless apple juice or candyless candy canes - which I'm sure both exist somewhere in the shady vegan underworld. But here's the weird thing about me: I'm a tofu fan and often seek it out when eating Thai food. I love how it blends with the Asian flavors and spices to make a savory dish. But still...don't mess with my damn jerky you hippie, vegan bastards! So today's review will be a two-fer. Why? Because I don't want to spend TWO days crying and shame sweating. I'm getting this done in one night and heading straight tot he toilet to sleep.

TEXAS BBQ
The package to this one claims to be Earth Friendly, which is odd because the other one does not include that addendum. I have to assume the other jerky was made the Exxon Valdez oil spill where so many innocent tofu babies were affected. But let't move on to some Texas BBQ flavored meatless jerky. Flavors include: isolated soy protein, cane juice, soy sauce, soybeans, natural smoke flavoring and natural vegetarian spices. Basically everything a growing trucker needs to stay healthy. It's doing its best to LOOK like real jerky, but how does it smell? I can tell they tried their best to go for an "authentic" Texas BBQ smell, but it really just smells like a McRib without the Mc...or the RIB...or the reason to spend money on this. Alright, I'm going in for a taste.
You know what this is? It's the "Rudy" of beef jerky. This little fella wanted so much to be beef jerky, but he never quite reached the success of his jerky brethren. It gets stuck in your teeth like jerky, and it has a rich BBQ taste to it, but just like Rudy...you'd rather be putting your money on someone you know can win and not the fat guy from Lord of the Rings. Maybe the other one will be better...

 Thai Peanut

Ingredients here are pretty much the same with a few exceptions like Canola oil, peanut butter, vinegar, fresh Thai basil and natural veterinarian spices. To me, this one sounds a little tastier, so let's find out! The appearance is more of a grayish meat concoction, but it smells a little more like it's supped to be mainly because of the inclusion of real peanut butter. And the taste it...no. It tastes like regret. It's too chewy, too fake tasting and more than anything, it tastes like cleaning supplies. Honestly. Like Windex. This is just a freaking terrible makeshift beef jerky and I plan to send a strongly worded letter to..........eh, who am I kidding; I'm going to finish the whole thing and go lie down for awhile. Fate you screwed me again!!!

MAYrathon Day 15: Popeye Energy - Clobberin' Clementine

I'm tired; this extra long week really kicked my ass. I really looked forward to having this Sunday off to accomplish some things, but I've just been sitting and staring like a sleepy zombie for the last several hours. I need something to really jolt me into action. I need SPINACH! Or at least an energy drink based on a guy who eats spinach! It's Popeye Energy. My feelings on Popeye have always been - he exists. I never loved him and I never hated him. He's certainly been around for awhile, and the chubby burger guy was sorta funny, but much like "The Simpsons," I feel like it's past its prime. However, I'll still drink his celebrity endorsed soda that I shelled out an extra four bucks for!

Here's what the can says on the back: "Strong to the finish! When you've had all ya can stands and ya can't stands no more, grab some of me bestest energy blend and get back in tha' ring!" That was a real test of my sanity to try and type in Popeye's atrocious grammar. I looked online and there are apparently four different unique flavors of Popeye energy, all made to spoken of with a mourh full of marbles. There's Bruiser Blackberry, Anchorin' Apple, 'Low Me Down Lemon Mint, and the one I picked up, Clobberin' Clementine. There are so many red spelling error messages popping up online right now. It's not ME internet, It's POPEYE!!! Anyway, I chose this one (actually I didn't even see the other three flavors) because I've never had a clementine flavored pop or energy drink, so it definitely spoke to me. The can also goes on to say that it "contains 70% juice, natural caffeine, nothing artificial and an excellent source of vitamins B and C." I'm impressed that it has 70% juice; that's pretty high for an energy drink. Finally, they recommend two cans per day which...I'd like to see the doctor who would advise that.

So let's try this Bluto Bustin' Beverage. I open it up and it's got a great citrus scent. I take a few sips and...well blow me down! It's pretty damn delicious. For an energy drink, it's clean, crisp, refreshing and not bitter like a Red Bull or Monster. I would 100% buy this again. And I'm already feeling more awake and refreshed. Time to go think about doing laundry some more!

MAYrathon Day 14: GOYA Ham Flavored Concentrate

It's funny how this marathon has turned into a bit of a diary as I've gone on. "Dear Diary: today was a tough day. Now I'll eat some goat scrotum." Today was my third in a strand of long days at work. As the school year winds down, there are always a ton of events in the auditorium and this week was no exception. After a few days of preparation, we had a dance show tonight in the auditorium that comprised of both college students and elementary kids. While the rehearsals went great, tonight's show was a comedy of errors. Everything that could do wrong DID GO WRONG. It was the epitome of a fail. When I finally got home, I realized eating something obscure and talking about it would at least cheer me up a little bit! However, the fails kept on coming as I sat down to eat some Ham Flavored Concentrate. 

When I picked this up, I thought maybe it would be like a SPAM or potted meat product like Vienna sausages. The smiling pig on the label and the fact that it was made by Goya, a well-known company specializing in Mexican oddities, were enough to convince me to throw it into my cart at the grocery store. And it sat in my cupboard for the last half month until today, when I was hungry and bummed after the day, and decided I needed a meaty pick-me-up. I should have known I was getting PORKED once again (does that pun even work?). My first indication was as I was getting ready to eat (I literally had a fork out) and I read the side of the box which exclaimed "The flavor of one packet equals the ham flavor of 1/4 pound of smoked county ham in your cooking. Add one packet to tour favorite recipes calling for ham flavor such as beans, sofritos, rice, vegetables, etc." 

This isn't even food! It's ham flavored seasoning. What the hell, karma! I'm hungry! 

It's funny that while the main box labels it as "Ham Flavored Concentrate," when I open it up and see the packets, they call it "Ham Flavored Seasoning." Obviously if I KNEW it was just seasoning, I wouldn't have bought it! But you know what? I opened the box, and it's too late to go back now...I'm going to eat some ham salt. 

I pour the seasoning out onto a paper plate and it definitely has a ham scent to it. It's a brownish-clay color and it's very finely chopped. I'm just going to dip a finger into the mixture and give it a taste...

Do you remember the less popular version of candy cigarettes, the shredded beef jerky that was made to look like you were eating chewing tobacco? That's what this is but in powder form. I'm not a chef, but I don't get he point of this at all. Are there enough instances where you're cooking up a stew and realize you need more pig spice? And I'm still hungry. Maybe I can dig those crunchy fish rolls out of the garbage? 

MAYrathon Day 13: Crispy Fish Rolls (Squid Flavor)

Kinda down to the wire on this one. It was another long day at work and I had to work right through dinner this time, so I'm starving. What do I have to fill the hole in the old tummy? Oh...Crispy Fish Rolls - Squid Flavor. Whoo-Hoo? Another gem from the Asian Market we have a happy as a pig in shit smiling fish standing above what appears to be mini egg rolls. I shake up the bag and it sounds just like a sack full of broken glass. It's also confusing that the product itself is Crispy Fish Rolls, but it claims to be squid flavored. Isn't that two completely different entities? Wouldn't that be like a jar of peanut butter that claims to be jelly flavored? Or pizza that's cookie flavored? The ingredients are a plethora or weird too. I'm just going to post a little picture collage of what is apparently included in this little fish rolls. These are the real ingredients:

Lizard Fish

Red Mullet

Isolated Soy Protein

Edible Starch 

Chilean Giant Squid

Squid Powder

Sorbitol Syrup

I mean...the pictures really tell the tale. What else can I really say that would add to that? Let's open them up. UGHHHHH It smells like dog food. I knew it would have a strong fishy scent, but overwhelmingly, it smells just like dog food. I'm a little hesitant to try this. I've certainly never had nor seen lizard fish anywhere in the world. OK...inhale...exhale...

Let me just let you join my taste buds in the conversation we just had:

"Hey that's not so bad."

"Wait, ew... what IS that?"

"Do I taste sugar?"

"Why is is so starchy?"

"What IS this?"

"I really can't swallow this."

"Should I get a dog?"

"Should I go to the hospital?"

MAYrathon Day 12: Strawberry Shortcake Soda

One of the hardest things I've found in doing this month-long marathon of bizarre is trying to be creative and interesting after a long day at work. As I'm writing this, it's 9:30 PM and I just got home after starting my day at 6:30 AM. I'm not complaining - I love my job and I love doing this for the five people and my mom that think I'm funny. Rather, this soda ties into memories I have of going to the local diner or Big Boy with friends after a long day at work and unwinding with a few laughs, good company and a some type of fatty dessert to wash down the day. I wanted to save this one for a day when my body was aching, my voice was turning hoarse and my eyes were wanting nothing more than to close. "Waitress, I'll take the Blue Plate Special please!"

Tonight, I'm taking a look at a soda inspired by those late night diners - strawberry shortcake soda. This comes from the Orca Beverage Company, and there's not a ton of information online about the company, but apparently it's a line of "retro" sodas made to taste like classic desserts. Other flavors include Blackberry Cobbler, Peach Cobbler and Red Velvet Cake. I'd certainly be interested in trying those too somewhere down the line, but today we will focus on strawberry shortcake. Something odd about me - although I love soda (obviously), and strawberry sodas are probably my favorite flavor, I've never had much of a sweet tooth. I've never really been a huge dessert guy despite what my outward appearance might make you think. I've had strawberry shortcake before and liked it from what I can remember, but I don't have a tinge of nostalgia when I think about tasting it. Even my story about unwinding at the local diner - I remember the friends, the jokes and the ambiance, but the desserts themselves didn't really matter. I just ate what everyone else was eating. However, I do believe this is my first dessert (besides pumpkin pie) based soda, so I'm curious at least.


When I open the bottle and take a sniff, I am impressed with the authenticity of the smell. I can smell fresh strawberries, pie crust and ice cream all mixed perfectly together. (gives it a guzzle). That's pretty freaking tasty. I might even say this has a more authentic dessert taste than the Pumpkin Pie soda. I really feel like I'm eating/drinking some strawberry shortcake. I would definitely get this again if I ever come across it in a store. Well that's it. Probably not my funniest or most interesting entry but...I'm tired. And shut up. I promise I'll eat something extra gross tomorrow to make up for this lackluster entry.