MAYrathon Day 16: Primal Strips Meatless Jerky

I'm still hungry, and I used up all my concentrated ham salt at breakfast today. You might even say I have a PRIMAL hunger that can only be curbed by some MEAT! Quite possibly my favorite roadside snack and quick meaty fix has always been beef jerky. The dried beef has reached a renaissance of sorts in recent years with everything from turkey and bacon to the obscure such as elk and alligator all getting the jerky treatment. It's safe to say that this is one of those creations that will stand the test of time as long as it contains dried meat and delicious spices. But what if someone were to take away one of those tried and true ingredients? Then you're presented with meatless...vegan...jerky. It's like a freak of nature! It's like drinking appleless apple juice or candyless candy canes - which I'm sure both exist somewhere in the shady vegan underworld. But here's the weird thing about me: I'm a tofu fan and often seek it out when eating Thai food. I love how it blends with the Asian flavors and spices to make a savory dish. But still...don't mess with my damn jerky you hippie, vegan bastards! So today's review will be a two-fer. Why? Because I don't want to spend TWO days crying and shame sweating. I'm getting this done in one night and heading straight tot he toilet to sleep.

TEXAS BBQ
The package to this one claims to be Earth Friendly, which is odd because the other one does not include that addendum. I have to assume the other jerky was made the Exxon Valdez oil spill where so many innocent tofu babies were affected. But let't move on to some Texas BBQ flavored meatless jerky. Flavors include: isolated soy protein, cane juice, soy sauce, soybeans, natural smoke flavoring and natural vegetarian spices. Basically everything a growing trucker needs to stay healthy. It's doing its best to LOOK like real jerky, but how does it smell? I can tell they tried their best to go for an "authentic" Texas BBQ smell, but it really just smells like a McRib without the Mc...or the RIB...or the reason to spend money on this. Alright, I'm going in for a taste.
You know what this is? It's the "Rudy" of beef jerky. This little fella wanted so much to be beef jerky, but he never quite reached the success of his jerky brethren. It gets stuck in your teeth like jerky, and it has a rich BBQ taste to it, but just like Rudy...you'd rather be putting your money on someone you know can win and not the fat guy from Lord of the Rings. Maybe the other one will be better...

 Thai Peanut

Ingredients here are pretty much the same with a few exceptions like Canola oil, peanut butter, vinegar, fresh Thai basil and natural veterinarian spices. To me, this one sounds a little tastier, so let's find out! The appearance is more of a grayish meat concoction, but it smells a little more like it's supped to be mainly because of the inclusion of real peanut butter. And the taste it...no. It tastes like regret. It's too chewy, too fake tasting and more than anything, it tastes like cleaning supplies. Honestly. Like Windex. This is just a freaking terrible makeshift beef jerky and I plan to send a strongly worded letter to..........eh, who am I kidding; I'm going to finish the whole thing and go lie down for awhile. Fate you screwed me again!!!