MAYrathon Day 13: Crispy Fish Rolls (Squid Flavor)

Kinda down to the wire on this one. It was another long day at work and I had to work right through dinner this time, so I'm starving. What do I have to fill the hole in the old tummy? Oh...Crispy Fish Rolls - Squid Flavor. Whoo-Hoo? Another gem from the Asian Market we have a happy as a pig in shit smiling fish standing above what appears to be mini egg rolls. I shake up the bag and it sounds just like a sack full of broken glass. It's also confusing that the product itself is Crispy Fish Rolls, but it claims to be squid flavored. Isn't that two completely different entities? Wouldn't that be like a jar of peanut butter that claims to be jelly flavored? Or pizza that's cookie flavored? The ingredients are a plethora or weird too. I'm just going to post a little picture collage of what is apparently included in this little fish rolls. These are the real ingredients:

Lizard Fish

Red Mullet

Isolated Soy Protein

Edible Starch 

Chilean Giant Squid

Squid Powder

Sorbitol Syrup

I mean...the pictures really tell the tale. What else can I really say that would add to that? Let's open them up. UGHHHHH It smells like dog food. I knew it would have a strong fishy scent, but overwhelmingly, it smells just like dog food. I'm a little hesitant to try this. I've certainly never had nor seen lizard fish anywhere in the world. OK...inhale...exhale...

Let me just let you join my taste buds in the conversation we just had:

"Hey that's not so bad."

"Wait, ew... what IS that?"

"Do I taste sugar?"

"Why is is so starchy?"

"What IS this?"

"I really can't swallow this."

"Should I get a dog?"

"Should I go to the hospital?"

MAYrathon Day 6: Botan Rice Candy

I need a treat.

While I've enjoyed my first week in the MAYrathon of MAYhem (That's a twofer!). The last two things I've consumed have either consisted of cheetos made of dead shrimp or "juice" made of stupid celery. But the weekend is upon us and I'd like to kick it off with a sweet Asian treat. I'm talking, of course, about Botan Rice Candy.

I tried to do some digging on what a Botan is, but all that came up were different images of some blue haired anime guy. Upon further investigation, it seems that Botan is the name of the Japanese peony blossom but also named after some type of citrus flavoring used in Asian candies to simulate citrus flavorings. But who cares what it's called or what it tastes like; the reason I wanted this weekend treat is because the box promises a FREE CHILDREN'S STICKER INSIDE!!! Hell...freakin...YES! I'm going to crack open this little box and see what life changing adhesive will become a permanent part of my face.

Asian Lance Bass

After thirteen hours of parading up and down the streets of Chicago sporting my new sticker, I decided to pour out the rest of the contents of my box into my hand. I was taken aback to discover six individually wrapped, red sucking candies. I guess with the name Rice Candy, I expected like a sweet rice cake or a packet of soy sauce. This was unexpected. 

But who cares...I got my sticker. Nothing's gonna bring me down! Let's unwrap one of these suckers and see what they taste like. Two more surprises - it's wrapped in a second layer of rice paper, which I ate and now probably have chlamydia, and it's a soft, chewy candy.  It's not too bad. I'd equate it to the taste of a Gushers fruit snack without the gooey center. Decent candy. BADASS sticker. 

The 12 Days of POPmas Day 4: Melon Creamy Soda

I'm no where near mentally prepared for this. I took a gamble on a few close to expiring sodas, but all were still fairly fresh. This one I KNOW is expired...and may or may not contain cream. Plus it's from Asia, which my track record of Asian beverages has been far from stellar. So this is Melon Creamy Soda. Those three words should never exist in the same state let alone the same beverage. This massive 16.5 ounce aluminum can is declared to be "tasty" and "Quality from UCC." I'm avoiding looking up what the UCC is because I'm guessing it has something to do with squid organs. The Japanese symbols also translate to: "It's tasty and refreshing! Always makes you feel fresh and cool." Don't tell me how to feel, cream melons. A look at the ingredients reveals, oh well great, Evaporated Skimmed Milk. So this is literally a milk pop. A definitely expired milk pop. What the hell am I doing with my life?

I had to pour this one in a glass before I drank it just to see what the texture is.

And there you have it - a carbonated, snot-green, cloudy cream soda. It looks like if Ecto Cooler and a Diner dairy creamer fell into a Soda Stream. Alright, I've stalled long enough - it's time to do this for my millions of made up fans! The first sip tastes like milk. The second sip tastes like spoiled melon someone left out on the surface of the sun. The third sip tastes like a thick, bubbly vanilla shake that has AIDS. 

Nope. That's it. I'm done with this one. 0.5 out of five Santa hats. It only gets a 0.5 because I got to use "milk pop" in a sentence for the first time. I'm going to go lay in the bathtub and reflect on some life choices for the next 18 hours...

Revenge of the Ramune: Original and Hello Kitty

I've tackled the Ramune sodas twice before. They're the tiny glass bottles with a stupid marble floating around for no reason. However, in the past I went for the weirdest flavors I could find - teriyaki and kimchi. Both tasted like complete ass. But the truth is, Ramune sodas are very popular and can be found in just about any sushi restaurant in America, and they have a variety of normal flavors like melon, strawberry and octopus (seriously). So instead of tasting the ones that are no doubt going to taste awful, let's see where it all began with "original" flavor. Oh, and "Hello Kitty" flavor too just for kicks.

Original
What really spikes my curiosity on this one is that the flavor is actually called "original". It gives no indication of what that actually tastes like. I suppose it's like how coke is actually called Coca Cola Classic or something like that. And no, sangaria is not the flavor, that's the company that makes this. (That's not even how you spell sangria, idiot!) So I don't know what I'm getting into, but I'm just going to dive right in and give this a shot after reading the paragraph of instructions and warnings.




- okay, remove plastic wrapping - check
- plastic lid thing falls off desk and rolls under chair - check
- retrieve plastic lid thing and put back on top of plastic blue thing - check
- press down on plastic lid thing until it goes into plastic blue thing - check
- hurt thumb - check
- dumb marble is released for no reason and floating around in my drink looking to kill me - check
- try to fit giant plastic blue thing around my mouth to have a sip - check

Giant blue drink spout. (please no photo shopping)

Overall it's not bad. I'd say if you dipped a stick of cotton candy into a cream soda, that's about the
taste you get here. Very sweet, but I can see why kids like it so much even if it is basically impossible to open and drink. Decent stuff. I give it a 7/10.


Hello Kitty

So this is another one where no flavor is really indicated. It's simply called "Hello Kitty Ramune Soda with Marble." Why is that god damn marble such a selling point for these drinks? You can go to dollar general, get a three liter bottle of off-brand Dr. Pepper and a bag full of marbles for two bucks. Chuck 'em all in the bottle, shake 'em up, grab a friend and play a game I like to call Try to Live! The odd thing about this is that it's made by CTC Foods International, and not Sangaria, so it's a completely different Ramune soda company. This one must be the kings of the Ramune black market because they got the Hello Kitty licensing deal while the other company only got floating beach ball shells. But does it taste any different? Let's break another one of my thumbs and find out!
Short answer - nope. Long answer - nope but flatter. I was surprised this one was flatter seeing as it is advertised as being a carbonate soda. Yep - carbonate and not carbonated. This one gets a 6/10. Neither were that bad, but my teeth need a break. Next week - it's summer detox time.

So much needles waste...

Ramune Soda - Kimchi Flavor?

OK, let's face it. 2014 was not a great year at the beverage shack. I went from doing too much and making no money, to making great many and doing even more. As a result, my strange soda drinking habits took a back seat to fun daily occurrences of children calling me short, adults calling me dumb and colleagues calling me weird! But one of my New Years resolutions was to get back in the writer's chair (I pretend it's a rocket ship; it pisses off my neighbors) and do more writing. So let's get back into it shall we?

MMMM. Just look at that picture about. If anything is going to pull me out of soda retirement it's...kimchi? I know kimchi exists and has something to do with like, cabbage, but I've never tried it. Wikipedia describes it as "a traditional fermented Korean side dish made of vegetables with a variety of seasonings. It is often described as spicy and sour." Yea there should not be a soda based on this...at all.

But Min Wong on the bottle is so happy that I am going to try her delicious cabbage pop. "Ha ha ha, stupid fat American. So fat can't chew. Eats carbonated vegetable water! Hello Kitty and so forth." Well I won't stand here and get teased by some Asian stereotype, let's get drinkin'. For those of you who saw my old blog where I tried Ramune's Teriyaki soda, you know that it was really difficult to open, but I've done my homework this time and I'm cracking this bad boy open with no trouble...

And I'm bleeding. God Dammit Raume! Why do you hate me so??? OK going for a sniff. UGH. It smells like beef bullion broth. And it's making gurgling sounds like the bog of eternal stench in "The Labyrinth." First reference of 2015; nailed it! No more stalling - time for a sip (cautiously sips)...

If we've ever been friends, you know this fact about me - I hate ketchup. And that's what this tastes like: sweet ketchup pop. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shame cry for about an hour. Tune in next week (I promise!) for an expired Harry Potter soda ripoff that I said I'd review a year ago. (No I didn't get a new one; it's the same bottle). 

Ketchup? Catsup?

Teriyaki Soda

OK who hasn't had this thought: you're drinking an ice cold Pepsi. Sure it's good and a flavor you've come to rely on, but it could really use more Asian sauce condiment. Well my friend, do I have the beverage for you! It's Teriyaki soda brought to you by...uh...company unknown. It has a distributor on the label, but that's about it. Apparently it's one of the many "ramune" sodas popular in Japan and known for it's distinct bottle and marble-sealed glass bottles. I kinda wish I would have looked up this stuff before I tried to open the bottle earlier which, because it was such a task, I made a video just on the challenges of opening the ramune bottle. Check it out at the bottom of this review. Well, I've been screwed by China's claim to beverage deliciousness, so let's see what Japan has to offer.

Smell/First Sip:
Because I go into a lot of detail in the video, I'm going to skip my usual discussion on the appearance of the bottle. But if your someone who hates my voice and just likes my smooth typin' style, let me sum it up for you: it has a stupid marble and took me four minutes to open. Moving on...let's go in for a smell. Well, I gotta be honest, it smells like teriyaki sauce. I also gotta be honest once more - I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Let's give it a go. Ok first of all, this bottle is so stupid. I have to put my entire mouth over the giant blue thing to get to the tiny hole in the center (no dick jokes please). All the while, this dumbass marble is just jauntily rocking back and forth as I drink. I DON'T GET IT RAMUNE!!! And it's six ounces, so I'm halfway through the bottle after my first sip. But what does it taste like? As it touches your toungue it's a sweet tang, so you swallow thinking that everything is cool. Then the aftertaste hits you and all you can taste is...McNuggets. Yep. This is a soda that tastes like McNuggets. I think I'm going to go cry tears of grease for a few hours.

Overall:
I said it tastes like McNuggets. DON'T DRINK THIS!