Yeo's Asian Juice Boxes: Sugar Cane and Snow Pear

I'm starting to look into eating and drinking a little healthier these days. Don't worry, I'll still inject possibly toxic liquids down my gullet once(ish) a week for my five fans, but I'm looking at some non-soda substitutes in my daily routine. And since Asia has never let me down (that's a goddamn lie) and juice boxes have always appealed to my slimmer inner-child, then why not wind down this Thursday with some exotic Asian juice boxes? What could possibly.........

Ah, Yeo's. Singapore's finest beverage company with such classics as Longan Red Date Drink, Bandung Rose Syrup Milk Drink, Cheng Bou Leong and so many other classics that have graced our refrigerator for generations. Actually, these all seem like flavors of stupid that I'll eventually spend way too much money to try. The website also offers a "cool" tile game that I can't figure out and a "fresh" Yeo's Screen Saver! Party to the MAX. Several of the Asian drinks sitting in my fridge come from this company, but I've never heard of them until today. My two treats this evening are, I'm assuming, juice boxes not marketed to kids with the tag line: "The Natural Choice." Besides the recent Ecto Cooler, I don't think I've had a juice box in 15 years, so let's get our SingaPOUR on! GET IT!!!! It doesn't even make sense because it's a juice box and you drink from a straw and I suck at tile games and punctuation%

Sugar Cane Drink
Now here's an odd thing, pretty much everything I've eaten over the last 30 years contain some type of sugar, but I've never really seen a sugar cane in real life, and I've certainly, to the best of my knowledge, never tasted one. Sugar cane produces sugar, so is this to just literally be sugar water? I can make that at home Macgyver style without all this fancy Asian lettering. Let's read the ingredients: Water, sugar cane extract, cane sugar and caramel." Wait, wait, wait. You have a drink where the main ingredient is literal sugar, and you've added an additional flavor of...sugar? Well I'm probably in for a sweet treat as this little 8.5 oz box contains 7% of my daily carbohydrates. I'm definitely going to have to go stare at the gym after this.
So I opened up the straw, poked it in and tried to smell it by giving it a little squeeze and it literally went up my nose. I wish I was kidding. Can't smell anything since it's in a juice box so I guess I'll go right for the taste. Yea I'd say it's pretty much sugar water. There is a slight herbal flavor to it, but it's basically just really, really sweet water. Singapore kids probably move it. Singaporians?

Snow Pear Drink

Lots of helpful info here...

I can't say I've heard of a snow pear before. Lazy research tells me it's popular in western Asia and has a sour, mild taste. The ingredients are a little more extravagant for this one: water, extract of dried pear, dried mandarin orange, apricot kernal (it's in bold on the box; no idea why), bei sha shen, chaun bei mu, cane sugar, artificial flavor and caramel. So they're just messing with me at this point right? If there's no English translation for one of your ingredients, either leave it off the list or make something up. And WHY is apricot kernal in bold? It makes no sense to me. Just like the last drink, there's really no scent past the cardboard, so for the first time in my life, I assume, let's drink something with bei sha shen in it.


It's identical to the sugar cane drink. I mean identical. It may say it has different ingredients and different nutritional facts, but if you did the Pepsi taste challenge with these two drinks, no one would be able to tell them apart. Well this has been a giant waste of time, and I probably have apricot kernal poisoning. I'm going to go sit on the toilet for six hours and try and figure out that tile game. So long everyone.

Same

Mexican Dessert Sodas

Happy day after Columbus Day everyone. After a day of rockin' out with Chris and thanking him for discovering this badass nation of ours, it's time to take some time to honor that other country that's not Canada that is also part of North America that was sorta, kinda discovered by Columbus. (Run-On Sentences are fun!). Yes, I'm talking about Mexico. Hola! One thing I hear the bosses say at work quite often is that the "demographics are changing." Which is a fancy way of saying, "hey, didn't there used to be more Irish people around here? And why is the guacamole sold out at every grocery store?" I, for one, embrace the Mexican culture, especially their cuisine. So why not drink some dessert sodas based on some of the most popular Mexican sweets? And why not die of a sugar overdose in my early 30s? This trio of triumph comes to us from....of course...Rocket Fizz, who last made me drink grass and dirt and cry for three days straight. Well let's check these bad boys out in the order of least to most excited to try.

#1 - Rosa's Arroz con Leche (Sweet Rice Soda)

It's not so much that I'm not excited as that I'm just not really familiar with Arroz con Leche. My Spanish isn't great and I assumed it meant whale milk cheese truffle with snail droppings, but I was pretty off. It's essentially a rice pudding with cinnamon. How can that be bad? In fact, all three of these sodas have cinnamon included in the flavoring. Is that the national dish of Mexico? Well all three bottles are brought to us by "Dos Amigos" which includes a picture of two definitely white guys pretending to look Mexican, and all all promise to have SABOR GRANDE! (great taste). Best not be lying to me Mexico! Nothing in the ingredients suggest anything natural has ever touched this bottle - no cinnamon, no rice, no hope. But let's open up the bottle and see what's inside, si? I'm surprised at how much it smells like rice. It's not overly sweet smelling - it's more like a plate of Uncle Ben's. Let's drink!.....I know it's not supposed to, but it tastes a lot like Jelly Belly Buttered Popcorn. Which, as you know, is my favorite jelly bean flavor. They could market it as that and make a million pesos or something. I dig this for what it should be more than for what it's supposed to be. I give this four out of five offensive sombrero dances. 

#2 - Jorge's Horchata (Horchata Soda)

I've had horchata once or twice and it's been pretty enjoyable. I'm not a huge milk fan overall, but a milky drink with rice, almonds and cinnamon is something I can respect. My Hispanic friends love horchata and it's pretty much the unofficial/official drink of Mexico. It's been awhile since I've had a glass, but my taste bud memory is pretty hardcore, so I think I know what I'm getting in to. Not surprisingly, it contains pretty much the exact same fake ingredients as the Sweet Rice soda, give or take some Yellow #5. Remember when we were kids and we believed the rumor that Yellow 5 in Mountain Dew would make our most important body parts shrink? Remember? The...the rumor? (wipes away a single tear) Anyway, let's give it a sniff. Well I was expecting more cinnamon once again, but it's overwhelmingly an almond scent. Maybe I haven't had this before? Only one way to find out (takes an el sip). The smell threw me off, but this does taste like how I remember. It's very bubbly yet smooth at the same time. There's some cream, cinnamon and rice for sure, but even though the smell was overpowering, I'm not TASTING almonds. Not bad overall though. 3.5 out of five offensive sombrero dances. 

#3 - Burros Churros (Churro Soda)

This is the one I'm most excited to try. One of my fondest memories when tagging along with a friend or family member with a Costco membership was grabbing a giant dollar churro at their cafeteria. It was just the right amount of cinnamon, sugar, butter and shame sweats. I have nothing more to say; I want to open it up and give it a taste. The smell is a little underwhelming. There's a little sugarness to it but not much. (glug glug) Oh man that's awesome. The butter is the dominant flavor and I mean that in a good way! It's like a churro from Costco, a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a stick of Country Crock while adding bubbles. I really like this and would seek it out again. 5/5 for sure! Thanks so much my Mexican friends, you're muy bien. Now to go take a siesta sugar coma death sleep. OLE!

Pennywort Drink

Yep. Pennywort. Not recognized by spell check. Not recognized by any human being I've ever met. It's time to reach into my box of Asian drinks I bought online for a surprisingly reasonable/this will likely kill me price and drink some pennywort. What the hell even IS a pennywort? It sounds like it's either a concoction made by some 80s movie about witches having their revenge against a scorned lover, or the location of a corner convenience store. "Honey, I need to get some dog food, blanket, summer sausages and a rake, so I'm gonna walk down to Pennywort's; they always have the best deals." 

Let's access the power of the internet and see what I'm getting into before I drink this dented can from Asia that only costed me ninety cents...

Apparently the pennywort is a perrential herb (weed) that grown in moist areas. So...marijuana??? It's most common in parts of Asia, Northern Australia, India and Sri Lanka, and has been used for centuries as a medicinal property in those countries, including a remedy to help encourage lactation -  which means I'm in for a fun and confusing morning tomorrow. Everything I researched about Pennywort mentions some old folktale about an Asian Tai-Chi master, Li Ching-Yun, who lived to be 256 years old due to his daily consumption of Pennywort; he sounds like a dick and a liar if you ask me. Finally, I'm being told that Pennywort could have side effects, and I should contact my doctor before introducing it to my regular diet or if I'm pregnant. Which confused me because of the lactation and whatnot. 

Alright, but what can I learn about the Pennywort drink I hold in my hand right now? Besides being extremely dented, I am told that the ingredients are simply: water, Pennywort leaves extract (40%), sugar and citric acid, and it is a product of Thailand. I'm also told to shake well before use. Since I have no idea what to expect with this drink, I feel like this is one of the beverages where I need to pour it into a glass before consuming. Be right back!

Ugh...It looks and smells like the time I drank that celery extract. It claims there's sugar in here, but it just smells like a root vegetable and nothing else. Even Indiana Jones Kermit thinks it's TOO green. OK, I've rambled on long enough, let's give give it a taste. 

It actually IS sweeter than I had anticipated, but it's just so...Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yea. I don't know how else to describe it. As a kid, my parents had a timeshare in Myrtle Beach and we'd spend a lot of time there. Drinking this instantly brought my olfactory/taste senses to that location. I don't know if it's the swamps, oceans, seaweed, low altitudes or my current lactation tendencies, but I can't really come up with a better explanation. Pennywort tastes like Myrtle Beach. This is the oddest comparison I've ever made, but there we have it. Goodnight! 

Cake Sodas

You know what they say, "you can have your cake and DRINK it too." Yay! Starting with a terrible joke/pun for this review. Well...goodnight folks!

Oh, I should probably try the sodas too. Today I have two sodas based on cake. One I feel like is going to be awesome, while the other one scares the crap out of me. Let's go with the, hopefully, tasty one first.

Jones: Birthday Cake Soda
I've said this many times before - Jones Soda has never done me wrong. Never. I've already reviewed PB&J and Pumpkin Pie flavors and they tasted exactly like what they claimed to be. Even their weird holiday flavors from the past like Turkey and Mashed Potatoes did indeed live up to the hype. So I feel like I know what I'm getting myself into here, and I'm excited. You may notice I have two in the photo above. Well one is for consuming, while the other is to live forever on display because it is the greatest photo of all time. It's my best friend's marching band photo from high school, and I've been obsessed with it since I took it from his room before he left for college fifteen years ago. I still have the original copy on my fridge and it's just the greatest, nerdiest photo of all time. For his birthday this summer, I made him personalized Jones Soda with that photo on it, but I had one stipulation that I got to keep one bottle. I spend hours per day worshiping and mocking that saxophone playing, goofy faced bastard.

But now onto the one I'll drink! There's a cute photo of a hedgehog next to a cupcake, and Jones informs us that it's their official 20th birthday; they've been independent since '96. Good for you, Jones. Ingredients has the standard artificial flavors, sodium benzoate, and INVERTED cane sugar. This soda's got an innie. (how do you spell that)? I'm excited to try it, so lets go, toot sweet. Twist open the bottle and to my delight, it smells just like a cake. The inside of the cap also informs me that I should, "drive more slowly." But if I want to write a blog while going 90 in front of a daycare, then you can't stop me, Jones! BAHAHAHAHA. And the taste is......CAKE! More specifically vanilla icing and frosting. Even the aftertaste is distinctly cake. I really recommend you all seek this one out. If you love Cold Stone's cake flavored ice cream, or...just...like...cake, then you'll love this. Huzzah for Jones!

Abita - King Cake Soda

Come again now? King Cake Soda? What the hell is a king cake? The picture on the bottle looks like a snake's head was cut off and served on a platter made with "pure Louisiana Cane Sugar." I did some Google Image searching and it looks like Oompa Loompa fecal surprise with beads from...well never mind where they came from. Almost every photo also seems too have a little naked baby hidden in the cake. What...the...hell? This comes to us from the Abita Brewing Company in Louisiana. They're most known for their popular line of beers such as Abita Gold and Purple Haze. Let's see what their official website has to say about King Cake Soda. "All the goodness of King Cake - in an all-natural soda. Celebrate the sweetest treat of Carnival season with the flavors of frosting, candied sugar and cinnamon dough in this lightly carbonated soda. Made with pure Louisiana cane sugar and artesian spring water, and naturally caffeine-free."

Am I supposed to know what this cake is? The description makes me feel like I'm supposed to know what this is. This soda, which also claims to be gluten free contains actual cinnamon as one of the ingredients. But you know what, naked-baby-fecal-wonka-bead cake is too weird for me. Oh, I'll drink it, but I am not putting an ounce of research into what this cake actually is or why it's associated with a naked baby. I am going to spend the rest of my life being ignorant to what this cake actually is. If anyone ever tries to tell me about it, I will run (ok...waddle at mediocre speeds) in the other direction. I shall NEVER taste a king cake so long as I live!

So, let's taste some king cake soda. It smells like a mix between a churro and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And it tastes like cinnamon and butter. (glug) Very sweet, but not artificial tasting. It has a true dessert taste to it. I'm pleasantly surprised by this. If you've ever wanted to blend some cinnamon toast and a stick of butter, than this is the treat for you. And no naked babies in the soda version of King Cake!

Never Forget...

Labor Day: Dirt and Grass Soda

What a great weekend. I had four days off. My best friend got married. And I got to catch up with a lot of old friends. I figured what better way to top off a great weekend then to indulge in some new sodas. And since it's Labor Day, why not really get down and dirty and pay respect to the hard work our ancestors put in to make this country great. Why not take the time to consume some good old American soil, and not in the figurative sense either. I have today two flavors of soda I have definitely never tried before - dirt and grass, from the always creative and masochistic folks at Rocket Fizz. When I first picked these up, I thought it was just going to be a clever title for some chocolate and sour apple soda, but I watched a few videos of other people trying them and nope..it's dirt and grass flavored soda. Why? Because there's idiots like me in the world who will pay money to drink something that tastes like the ground. So let's get to it.

Dirt Soda

Right underneath the label of Dirt Soda it says "Shoveled and Bottled in the USA." Creative. The background photo is just a picture of dirt and it also claims to have pure cane sugar. I don't know if adding sugar to dirt makes it better or worse. Luckily the ingredients are just the standard soda stuff and no actual dirt has been added to the concoction. I imagine this is just like how they make those Bean Boozled jelly beans or the Harry Potter ones from a few years back. The color is a cloudy brown like a backed up RV toilet. There wasn't a single review or video that I saw where someone actually liked this, so I know I'm in for a treat. I hope I become the one person in the world who enjoys drinking dirt. (ladies). I crack open the bottle and go in for a big sniff. There really is an authentic mud smell to it with a hint of copper as well. Alright, bottoms up, America. Well that's.........dirt. It is legitimately a sweet tasting bottle of dirt. The aftertaste is 100% essence of ground. This is terrible, but I have to give them credit for truth in advertising. Even with my iron stomach, two sips is the best I can do. The taste won't go away; hopefully some grass will make it better. 

Grass Soda

This ultra-bright green soda claims to be Mowed and Bottled in the USA. There's grass clippings all over the label and, like Dirt, advertises its Pure Cane Sugar. Both flavors are pretty much made up of the same "natural" and "artificial" ingredients, with the Grass Soda including some extra food dyes. It's really deceiving my eyes because on the outside, it looks like a delicious Jones Green Apple Soda. Bottle is opened and I'm going for a sniff. Alright this is ridiculous. It smells just like lawn clippings. I am immediately transported to childhood and riding with my dad on the lawnmower. Who thinks of this stuff? I don't know if I've ever tasted grass in real life, so I'm not sure how to compare it, but here goes nothing. (tentative gulp). This one is a bit sweeter, and it definitely has a grassy flavor to it, but it's a lot fresher tasting than the dirt. I don't actually hate this. The best thing I could come up with to compare it to would be a banana peel. Or cucumber rinds. There's something so familiar to it, but I can't quite put my green thumb on it. I think I actually kinda like it. I probably need psychiatric help. 

Combo

Alright, just for kicks, I'm going to combine the two in a glass and give it a shot. After all, you can't have grass without soil. AMERICA. Mixing them together creates a lighter brown color with much heavier carbonation that drinking either separate. The soil still dominates the old olfactory sense. Let's taste...The Grass actually subdues the overpowering Dirt taste but only slightly. It's still pretty terrible. Well, I can check Grass and Dirt off my bucket list. Oddly enough, I still have another drink based on a non-edible element that I'll be trying soon. Until then, my burps taste like muddy water. 

Watermelon Flavored Sodas

I really need to clean out my fridge. I've just been picking up random sodas left and right, and with my giant box of Asian sodas in transit, I need to clear some space. Typically when I do reviews I'll try to have a theme like nostalgia, Asian or Piece of Shit, but they can't all be creative winners. So today, let's look at three beverages that are watermelon flavored...because why not.

Filbert's Old Time Quality Watermelon

What's a health inspector?

Ah, good old Filbert's. Who could forget the Old Time Quality taste you include in every tasty bottle. Why, we've been best pals since - June of 2016. Maybe even July. Yea, I had never heard of Filbert's Soda before, but apparently it's a Chicago staple since 1926. Much like Vernors is to Detroit, I guess Filbert's is a mainstay in the Chicago area; the picture to the right is an actual photo of their bottling machinery, apparently unchanged since the 20s. I came across this bottle at a brewery in the suburbs. I had never (to the best of my knowledge) actually tried a watermelon flavored soda, so I was intrigued and tantalized. And then it sat in my fridge forgotten for two months. Well I pulled it out recently and looked up the company. Though I've lived in Chicago for ten years, and for most of that time off of Ashland Ave. (Where the company is located), I still have never heard of them. And now I am definitely on the hunt to find more, as they produce more than thirty flavors from Green Apple to Banana to Grapefruit to Mr. Newport (which I assume is a cigarette flavored soda). But the theme today is watermelon, so let's get into it.

No actual watermelons were killed in the making of this soda, and for a high-fructose beverage, it's only 100 calories. The smell is very sweet and reminiscent of a candy watermelon. Low carbonation and almost a sticky-sweet texture as it flows down the ol' soda hole........If I did a blind taste test, and you asked me to tell you what it is, I would probably say Faygo Red Pop or Big Red. While there's the slightest hint of watermelon, it really tastes more like a classic red soda. Not bad at all, but not really what was advertised. I'd give it an 8/10 for flavor, but a 2/10 for overall watermeloniness. (patent pending)

Jolly Rancher Soda: Watermelon

This one is the second Jolly Rancher flavored soda to come from my friend Anisa. Those Albanians must really Love soda based on candy! I'm actually really excited to try this because of how much I loved the Blue Raspberry flavored one I had a few months ago. I already gave my thoughts on Jolly Ranchers in that review, so I am just going to dive right in and skip the lame jokes and pop culture references. I crack open the bottle and, oh yea, it's a watermelon Rancher. The smell is spot on. It's like they added some carbonation to melted candy. The taste? Freaking amazing. It's literally a liquid jolly rancher. For flavor: 9/10. For watermeloniness: That's tricky because while it tastes exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, it doesn't taste THAT much like a watermelon. More than Filbert's did though, so I'd go 7/10.

Trader Joe's Watermelon Cucumber Cooler

Finally, this one is a bit of a cheat as it's not a soda and not JUST watermelon flavored, but it's watermelon and it's in my fridge, so we're tasting it. I was a little late in the game in discovering Trader Joe's. I used to think that if I went in there, I would be sprayed with patchouli oil and forced to join a hackey sack league. Upon my first time shopping there, I asked for plastic bags and the whole place erupted in a pre-Civil Rights movement silence when someone crossed water fountains. But I've grown to love it, and one of my favorite things is their ever expansive line of juices. I've said it before, my favorite Gatorade flavor is the Cucumber Melon. So I have high hopes for this. It's actually made with watermelon and cucumber juice (concentrate) and there's a ton of sediment on the bottom of the jug which just screams "I'm real, dammit." Let's give it a shot, eh? It smells both exactly like watermelon and cucumber and also nothing like the two. It's hard to explain, and this blog has gotten long, so I'm not even going to try. (swig) Super, super sweet. I taste the flavors, but it is overwhelmingly sweet. 8% of your daily carbs and sugars, sweet. I would need to cut this with some water just to drink any more of it. Both flavor and watermeloniness (patent pending) get a 5/10. 

What a way to say goodbye to summer with these watermelon treats. Tune in next time where I drink dirt and grass...I wish I was kidding.

Crystal Pepsi (2016)

It's back! But was it ever really missed? The answer is...kinda. Like Surge, Crystal Pepsi has always had a cult following and the demand to see it again has always been pretty big. However, it was a bit of a flop when it was first introduced and Pepsi was fine with closing the vault on the experiment forever back in the 90s. It was unlikely for years that we'd ever see it again. And again, just like Surge, it was due to the outcry of like-minded nostalgia demand, led mainly by YouTube celebrity, the LA Beast, that got this item back on the shelves...for a limited time at least. Before giving my tongue another 90s bath, let's hit the interwebs for a brief history lesson on Crystal Pepsi.

That concert would have been pretty sweet!

While my nostalgia for Surge and Ecto Cooler remains solid because of what a huge part of my childhood and early teen years involved sucking it down like life support, Crystal Pepsi not only came around when I was younger (around 9), but it also lasted so briefly that it didn't put as big of a dent in my memory over time. I remember it existing, and I remember enjoying it (I think), but it came and went in a little more than a year. Pepsi experimented with their "caffeine free alternative" to Pepsi in select markets in early 1992 and it proved to be a hit. They rolled out complete production in 1993 and marketed it with stale headbangers Van Halen and stale impressionist Billy Crystal, who I guess were the hippest people in the go-go 90s.

Remember that Van Halen song, "Right Now?"
REMEMBER???? Me neither. 

Coca Cola tried to counteract the new clear soda craze with...Tab Clear. Which led every Generation Xer at the time to...not give a good god damn; most people were surprised that Tab was still around (and it STILL is today! and it STILL sucks!) And even with initial success, sales dropped rapidly for Crystal Pepsi as most people who like clear sodas realized they could just drink a Sprite, and most people who liked Pepsi, liked caffeine and so no point in drinking Pepsi without the magic wake-up dust. There was just no market for it, and by 1994, the stock was completely cleared out and it became nothing but an urban legend around the Pog tables and Roller rinks for nearly two decades. 

Interestingly enough, as nostalgia grew, and websites like eBay made vintage, unopened sodas a fun hunt for collectors, they began to surface online with a dark, muddy texture in their unopened bottles. Apparently, whatever magic turned Crystal Pepsi clear eventually wears off. Just like Poo-Be-Gone (Most obscure reference from most obscure movie ever). And as more and more of my generation decided to screw college and become internet reviewers and website stunt-boys, the legend grew and grew and the demand became overwhelmingly large. It made an extremely limited online only release around Christmas of last year, but was finally made available to the masses in August of this year. However, don't rest on your laurels and assume it'll always be around like Tab Clear (stupid), it's only around for an eight week release, which as of this writing means there's only four weeks left. I stocked up on enough to last the zombie apocalypse, but this may be the last time I'll ever taste a NEW Crystal Pepsi in my lifetime. So...is it worth it?

I crack it open and the fizz and carbonation dances around in the plastic bottle, probably listening to some Counting Crows songs. And the smell is so much like Pepsi but...not. It's interesting to note too that the new release does have caffeine unlike the original. Alright, I've waited 22 years for this, let's have a sip. 

Hmmm....It's definitely a Pepsi, but, for lack of a better explanation, it's Pepsi with a clear taste. It's as if you took a Sierra Mist, took out the lemon and lime flavoring, and shot it up with Pepsi instead. It's very bubbly and the aftertaste is almost that of seltzer water. I would say the nostalgia factor is a 10/10, but if I had to just go on taste alone, it's inferior to just a regular Pepsi. It's fun. It reminds me of watching X-Men cartoons and creeping out girls in elementary school, but it's not going to change my life or cure world hunger. Overall, a tasty treat that makes the rarity of it that much more enjoyable.

Okay, well my fridge is literally 75% weird sodas at this point, and I can't fit any real food in there, so I'm going to try and do these things on more of a regular basis. Hope you enjoyed how awesome I am.