Pennywort Drink

Yep. Pennywort. Not recognized by spell check. Not recognized by any human being I've ever met. It's time to reach into my box of Asian drinks I bought online for a surprisingly reasonable/this will likely kill me price and drink some pennywort. What the hell even IS a pennywort? It sounds like it's either a concoction made by some 80s movie about witches having their revenge against a scorned lover, or the location of a corner convenience store. "Honey, I need to get some dog food, blanket, summer sausages and a rake, so I'm gonna walk down to Pennywort's; they always have the best deals." 

Let's access the power of the internet and see what I'm getting into before I drink this dented can from Asia that only costed me ninety cents...

Apparently the pennywort is a perrential herb (weed) that grown in moist areas. So...marijuana??? It's most common in parts of Asia, Northern Australia, India and Sri Lanka, and has been used for centuries as a medicinal property in those countries, including a remedy to help encourage lactation -  which means I'm in for a fun and confusing morning tomorrow. Everything I researched about Pennywort mentions some old folktale about an Asian Tai-Chi master, Li Ching-Yun, who lived to be 256 years old due to his daily consumption of Pennywort; he sounds like a dick and a liar if you ask me. Finally, I'm being told that Pennywort could have side effects, and I should contact my doctor before introducing it to my regular diet or if I'm pregnant. Which confused me because of the lactation and whatnot. 

Alright, but what can I learn about the Pennywort drink I hold in my hand right now? Besides being extremely dented, I am told that the ingredients are simply: water, Pennywort leaves extract (40%), sugar and citric acid, and it is a product of Thailand. I'm also told to shake well before use. Since I have no idea what to expect with this drink, I feel like this is one of the beverages where I need to pour it into a glass before consuming. Be right back!

Ugh...It looks and smells like the time I drank that celery extract. It claims there's sugar in here, but it just smells like a root vegetable and nothing else. Even Indiana Jones Kermit thinks it's TOO green. OK, I've rambled on long enough, let's give give it a taste. 

It actually IS sweeter than I had anticipated, but it's just so...Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yea. I don't know how else to describe it. As a kid, my parents had a timeshare in Myrtle Beach and we'd spend a lot of time there. Drinking this instantly brought my olfactory/taste senses to that location. I don't know if it's the swamps, oceans, seaweed, low altitudes or my current lactation tendencies, but I can't really come up with a better explanation. Pennywort tastes like Myrtle Beach. This is the oddest comparison I've ever made, but there we have it. Goodnight! 

Summer Detox - Turmeric and Birch Tree Juice

Well it's that time of year once again. Summer has come to an end and I need to wash away three months of bad decisions without doing any exercise or healthy eating. So I've turned to some "popular" health tonics guaranteed to make me feel like a million bucks: Organic Turmeric Drink, Organic Birch Tree Juice, and Pure, Cold Activated, Rocky Mountain Spring Water. By combining these three drinks in one sitting, I'm sure to go from sweaty schlub to...less sweaty schlub. Let's do it!

Organic Turmeric Drink: Original

I honestly have no idea what this is or what it's supposed to taste like. It's also worth noting that I got

this at a Detroit market at least two years ago, and it still doesn't expire until next October. That Turmeric is some resilient stuff. Now...I don't know what turmeric even is and I'm much too lazy to look it up, but there's a TON of information on the bottle. Let's give it a read. It starts by telling me that one bottle of this drink is roughly equal to 4500 mg of fresh turmeric based on curcumin levels. I asked my doctor how my curcimin level is currently (spellcheck doesn't even know this word), but he told me to get out of his house and stop looking at his daughter. I assume my curcumin level is pretty badass, but I could always use a boost. Then there's an entire paragraph on the bottle: "Organic Turmeric Drink - Original is a unique blend of turmeric beverage.(what?) The main ingredient of organic turmeric has healthy inflammation response and anti-oxidant properties. This yellow culinary root is widely used in southeast Asia and goes all the way back to ancient India. Turmeric can help increase the production of vital enzymes in the liver which eliminate toxins found in the body." This is EXACTLY what I need! Finally, It tells me that to promote absorption of nutrients, it includes 100 mg of black pepper extract and 50 mg of olive extract. Why? How? Why? There's no way this will taste good. I peel off the plastic, snap off the cap and give it a whiff.
I'm surprised to find it has a sweet smell. Well...let's get healthy. (first sip) This is a unique one. It tastes like green tea meets ginger ale without carbonation. It's very rooty tasting, but a lot more drinkable than I expected. It's a bright brown color and at the bottom of the glass sits a large ring of root sediment. I can already feel my raisin-sized liver growing back. That takes care of June!

Sealand Birk: Organic Birch Tree Juice (Ginger and Line)

Alright sins of July, time to wash you away too. With the most adjectives I've ever witnessed in one drink, it's Birch Tree Juice! Like the last one, it comes with a paragraph bragging about how great it is. "What is Natural Birch Juice? (I have a feeling you're about to tell me) Sealand Birk is organic juice tapped directly from the Birch tree in the early spring. The juice is a very refreshing, slightly sweet liquid, filtered through natural root system and gently pasteurized.(nice grammar, dick) The juice can be enjoyed as the natural taste (nice grammar, dick) or mixed with other natural flavors from Elder flower, Raspberry, Blueberry or Ginger/Lime."  I really wanted to try the original flavor, but I could only find the Ginger/Lime. Enough talk, let's do this BIRCHES! (get it?). I crack it open and it smells a lot like hand sanitizer. That's not a great sign. (first sip) I mean...I don't know how else to describe it other than it tastes like dirt. Sure they threw some ginger and lime flavorings in there but...it's mostly...dirt. You owe me big, liver! (bottoms up). Yea I got through about half the bottle before gagging. I'm sure that's good enough for my immune system.

Alright! I did a great job here and now I feel like I could slowly walk the mile in under 46 minutes! That'll beat my previous record by a week! Where did I put that Rocky Mountain Spring Water? I need to hydrate!

Future Wheaties Model

It Tastes RAAW: Passion Fruit Wheatgrass

So this is it...the end of summer. I'm down to my last Summer Shandy, and after two months of bad decisions, it's time to detox. Before getting back into waking up at 5:30 in the morning again, I need to clear out my system with a little wheatgrass. I had it once at a Jamba Juice and I thought my liver was being stabbed by hippies, but with a little passion fruit added in, who knows? This is brought to us by the RAAW foods corporation. Spelling it with two As because...cool? And apparently, according to their website, if I drink it, hot chicks will exercise for me. Also, look at all of those "delicious" claims: Non GMO verified (whoo hoo?), Kosher (shalom!), Vegan, Gluten-Free and 100% natural. I'm sure this is going to be a real taste bud treat.

Appearance:
No less than three times am I told that this beverage will have a great taste! It also explains what wheatgrass does besides make you feel like having a Pepsi with butter, and gives key health facts. It's interesting to note that the two main ingredients are pineapple juice and apple juice, followed by the wheatgrass and passion fruit. A bit strange considering the other two fruits don't get their time to shine on this bottle. Finally, the juice itself is a thick, dark green color - not unlike grass.

Smell/First Sip:
After a vigorous shaking, I crack the plastic bottle open and take a whiff. I get the passion fruit smell immediately, followed by a grassy/dirt type smell. Here goes nothing (healthy sip). The passion fruit and pineapple are at the forefront of flavor, and it tastes really clean and fresh. The wheatgrass is mild, which is good because I don't like that flavor.

Drinkability:
Honestly, I don't have anything too negative to say about this one. It tastes like fresh squeezed juice, not overpoweringly sweet and makes me feel like I went to the gym instead of sat here writing on my blog about sugary drinks. It's tasty, and unlike most other drinks I've tried so far, I'd probably get this one again.

Overall:
It's a healthy and tasty drink. I better go get a beer to balance it out.