Summer Detox - Turmeric and Birch Tree Juice

Well it's that time of year once again. Summer has come to an end and I need to wash away three months of bad decisions without doing any exercise or healthy eating. So I've turned to some "popular" health tonics guaranteed to make me feel like a million bucks: Organic Turmeric Drink, Organic Birch Tree Juice, and Pure, Cold Activated, Rocky Mountain Spring Water. By combining these three drinks in one sitting, I'm sure to go from sweaty schlub to...less sweaty schlub. Let's do it!

Organic Turmeric Drink: Original

I honestly have no idea what this is or what it's supposed to taste like. It's also worth noting that I got

this at a Detroit market at least two years ago, and it still doesn't expire until next October. That Turmeric is some resilient stuff. Now...I don't know what turmeric even is and I'm much too lazy to look it up, but there's a TON of information on the bottle. Let's give it a read. It starts by telling me that one bottle of this drink is roughly equal to 4500 mg of fresh turmeric based on curcumin levels. I asked my doctor how my curcimin level is currently (spellcheck doesn't even know this word), but he told me to get out of his house and stop looking at his daughter. I assume my curcumin level is pretty badass, but I could always use a boost. Then there's an entire paragraph on the bottle: "Organic Turmeric Drink - Original is a unique blend of turmeric beverage.(what?) The main ingredient of organic turmeric has healthy inflammation response and anti-oxidant properties. This yellow culinary root is widely used in southeast Asia and goes all the way back to ancient India. Turmeric can help increase the production of vital enzymes in the liver which eliminate toxins found in the body." This is EXACTLY what I need! Finally, It tells me that to promote absorption of nutrients, it includes 100 mg of black pepper extract and 50 mg of olive extract. Why? How? Why? There's no way this will taste good. I peel off the plastic, snap off the cap and give it a whiff.
I'm surprised to find it has a sweet smell. Well...let's get healthy. (first sip) This is a unique one. It tastes like green tea meets ginger ale without carbonation. It's very rooty tasting, but a lot more drinkable than I expected. It's a bright brown color and at the bottom of the glass sits a large ring of root sediment. I can already feel my raisin-sized liver growing back. That takes care of June!

Sealand Birk: Organic Birch Tree Juice (Ginger and Line)

Alright sins of July, time to wash you away too. With the most adjectives I've ever witnessed in one drink, it's Birch Tree Juice! Like the last one, it comes with a paragraph bragging about how great it is. "What is Natural Birch Juice? (I have a feeling you're about to tell me) Sealand Birk is organic juice tapped directly from the Birch tree in the early spring. The juice is a very refreshing, slightly sweet liquid, filtered through natural root system and gently pasteurized.(nice grammar, dick) The juice can be enjoyed as the natural taste (nice grammar, dick) or mixed with other natural flavors from Elder flower, Raspberry, Blueberry or Ginger/Lime."  I really wanted to try the original flavor, but I could only find the Ginger/Lime. Enough talk, let's do this BIRCHES! (get it?). I crack it open and it smells a lot like hand sanitizer. That's not a great sign. (first sip) I mean...I don't know how else to describe it other than it tastes like dirt. Sure they threw some ginger and lime flavorings in there but...it's mostly...dirt. You owe me big, liver! (bottoms up). Yea I got through about half the bottle before gagging. I'm sure that's good enough for my immune system.

Alright! I did a great job here and now I feel like I could slowly walk the mile in under 46 minutes! That'll beat my previous record by a week! Where did I put that Rocky Mountain Spring Water? I need to hydrate!

Future Wheaties Model