October Soda Soiree Part One: Brain Wash

It took me damn near a half hour trying to spell soiree correctly!

It's October again. The month where summer has all but faded into the mist, the trees shed their leaves and cider mill farmers and haunted wineries experience a 1000% increase in profits. And of course, everything in the world is flavored in pumpkin, sweet potato, cinnamon and yak's milk (I think). For this month, I've chosen to look at Halloween or spooky themed drinks that really have no other place in this dumb blog except for celebrating the month of October. Let's first take a look at Brain Wash: Carbonated Drink.

The strangest thing about this spooky skull drink is that I didn't order it. It was not on my radar of sodas to buy; in fact, I didn't even know it existed. It came in a package of weird sodas I ordered over the summer. I guess it was thrown is as a bonus or something or an offering by Satan himself. Either way, I have no idea what to expect with this one. Let's take a look at the bottle. Brain Wash Carbonated Drink seems to be going as some type of brain or nerve tonic. Look at Mr. Bones here with...bloody brains coming out of his skull? And those lifeless blue dots where his eyes should be. Who is the target audience with this? Goth Kids? PreMed surgeons? Skeletons? Well the main tag line at the bottom reads: For a Change of Mind. But then there's all sorts of other crap written all over the bottle like:

       - Helps relieve extreme mental overload

       - This may be your only way out!

       - We want you for life

       - Gets rid of all the garbage they've been dumping in your mind

       - Caution: May cause special effects. We cut out all the bullshit in life and went straight for the               brain

I don't get frightened often, I watched all thirty-seven "Land Before Time" movies and saw Dane Cook twice in concert, but this one has me a little worried. Is there THC in it? Will I wake up in Narnia? I better get my affairs in order before trying this one. Consider this my last will and testament in case Brain Wash actually kills me. 

Dear whomever reads this crappy blog:

You can have all my lame stuff. Please delete my internet history and destroy my laptop. 

Sincerely,

Matty Mac

OK. I feel safe now. Let's pour this bad boy into a glass and see what we're working with. Well...it's the thickest, darkest color of blue I've ever seen in my life. I can't even compare it to anything else. If crayola had a name for it, it would be "No Soul Murder Blue". And it smells weird too. Like herbal tea infused with paint chips. Alright enough chatter, let's wash my brain!

And just like that, everything is stained blue: my tongue, my lips, my teeth, my glass. This is really going to suck in a few hours when I have to pee. And I'm not exaggerating, it feels weird in my throat and my stomach. It's a thick, viscousy feeling. Like a non-alcoholic jagger shot on fire. Two sips is enough of this; I'm actually starting to feel sick. I think I'm going to go wander around my neighborhood and play Crazy Eights with some ducks for about six hours. So long folks! 

So..,Freaking...Blue