MAYrathon 2.0 Day 17 - Ramune Yogurt Flavor

This is going to be a really quick one. 1. Because, in the spirit of doing one review a day, it is sometimes hard to fit it into the schedule. It’s early in the morning, I have to get to work, and I’m staying with a friend tonight, so this is really the only time I have to do one. 2. Because it’s FREAKING RAMUNE again! Apparently I can’t go a year without running into this stupid, hard to open, smiling Asian crapfactory that is Ramune. I’ve tried Kimchi. I’ve tried Teriyaki. I’ve tried Original. I’ve even tried Hello Kitty’s bloodforce. And I thought I was done. All the other flavors I have come across are just generic fruit flavors which wouldn’t make for an interesting review. And then...at the Asian Market...YOGURT flavor.

YOGURT FLAVOR???? What the hell does that mean. Traditional? Greek? Fruit on the bottom? Can yogurt actually be a flavor? Whatever, I’m going through the 600 steps to get this bottle open and finding out. And again...I have hurt my thumb trying to get it open. How is this supposed to appeal to children? Anyway, once I get the stopper to pop into the bottle so the useless marble can float around for no reason, I give it a sniff and it kinda smells like birthday cake. Not what I was expecting. Let’s dive in...As always, it’s almost impossible to get my mouth around the sixteen inch mouthpiece without gagging, and I’m left with the taste of...birthday cake. For real. It tastes like the Coldstone version of birthday cake ice cream. I guess that’s a pleasant surprise, but I have no idea why they call this yogurt flavor. It tastes about as much like yogurt as honey tastes like nylons. I swear I feel like Anthony Anderson is “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.” If I ever see a Ramune factory, I’m gonna burn this mother down!!!!!! Sigh...I guess I’ll try and find the octopus balls flavor next...yea that’s a real thing.

The Twelve Days of POPmas Day two: White Gourd Drink

Let's kick off day two with some White Gourd Drink from Malaysia.

"Merry Christmas to diversity"

I know I did all of my "find it on a map" material with Indonesia, but...like...I don't think I could find Malaysia on a map either come to think of it. I just looked on a map. It's literally right next to Indonesia. It's like the freakin' Where's Waldo of countries. I know nothing of Malaysian culture. I assume they like chairs. And oxygen. Maybe going to the barber? I'm sure they appreciate photosynthesis. But do they celebrate Christmas? Pretty much in the same way Indonesia does in that only a small percentage of the population celebrates Christmas for the religious reasons, but they all love a good Christmas party, and a good sale. Apparently hanging out at malls is Malaysia's most popular pastime. People of all religions flock to the mall around the holidays for the best deals east of the North Pole. The biggest change from traditional Christmas is that that all of the partying and egg nogging happens on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day, most people are sick of all that holiday bull crap. They take down their decorations ON Christmas day and then go to work. Bah Humbug!


Why do I feel like so many of my beverage tastings begin with, "what the hell's a (insert obscure fruit here)?" But really, what the hell is a white gourd? A gourd is of the pumpkin and yam family isn't it? Well the short answer is, it doesn't exist. White Gourd is another name for the more common winter melon. If you look up white gourd, all you get are references to the very drink I'm about to taste. It apparently has a shelf life of an entire year, and the Chinese throw it in meat dishes like a spaghetti substitute. There's very little info regarding what it tastes like though. It looks like it's up to me

Pictured here: surprising sign

to find out. The can as well has very little information, the only ingredients are: water, cane sugar, white gourd juice, artificial flavor and caramel. I have no idea if this is a soda or juice, so I'm not going to shake it, but let's crack it open and give it a sniff. It smells like pretzels. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? It's certainly a surprising sign. I think I might pour this one into a glass just out of sheer curiosity. It's a ginger ale color, but no carbonation. Alright, let's do this. It has no distinct flavor, but the aftertaste is pure pretzel. If this were marketed as a pretzel juice, I think it would do very well in the states. "Murray, I'm trying to cut down on my carbs. I'll take my pretzels in juice form today. Grab me one of those pizza napkins while you're at it!"
 It's really just a pretzel with sugar. I'd put this one on the list of the most unique I've ever tried. 3 out of 5 Rudolph noses. Tomorrow I think I'll leave Asia for awhile and head Down Under.

Yeo's Asian Juice Boxes: Sugar Cane and Snow Pear

I'm starting to look into eating and drinking a little healthier these days. Don't worry, I'll still inject possibly toxic liquids down my gullet once(ish) a week for my five fans, but I'm looking at some non-soda substitutes in my daily routine. And since Asia has never let me down (that's a goddamn lie) and juice boxes have always appealed to my slimmer inner-child, then why not wind down this Thursday with some exotic Asian juice boxes? What could possibly.........

Ah, Yeo's. Singapore's finest beverage company with such classics as Longan Red Date Drink, Bandung Rose Syrup Milk Drink, Cheng Bou Leong and so many other classics that have graced our refrigerator for generations. Actually, these all seem like flavors of stupid that I'll eventually spend way too much money to try. The website also offers a "cool" tile game that I can't figure out and a "fresh" Yeo's Screen Saver! Party to the MAX. Several of the Asian drinks sitting in my fridge come from this company, but I've never heard of them until today. My two treats this evening are, I'm assuming, juice boxes not marketed to kids with the tag line: "The Natural Choice." Besides the recent Ecto Cooler, I don't think I've had a juice box in 15 years, so let's get our SingaPOUR on! GET IT!!!! It doesn't even make sense because it's a juice box and you drink from a straw and I suck at tile games and punctuation%

Sugar Cane Drink
Now here's an odd thing, pretty much everything I've eaten over the last 30 years contain some type of sugar, but I've never really seen a sugar cane in real life, and I've certainly, to the best of my knowledge, never tasted one. Sugar cane produces sugar, so is this to just literally be sugar water? I can make that at home Macgyver style without all this fancy Asian lettering. Let's read the ingredients: Water, sugar cane extract, cane sugar and caramel." Wait, wait, wait. You have a drink where the main ingredient is literal sugar, and you've added an additional flavor of...sugar? Well I'm probably in for a sweet treat as this little 8.5 oz box contains 7% of my daily carbohydrates. I'm definitely going to have to go stare at the gym after this.
So I opened up the straw, poked it in and tried to smell it by giving it a little squeeze and it literally went up my nose. I wish I was kidding. Can't smell anything since it's in a juice box so I guess I'll go right for the taste. Yea I'd say it's pretty much sugar water. There is a slight herbal flavor to it, but it's basically just really, really sweet water. Singapore kids probably move it. Singaporians?

Snow Pear Drink

Lots of helpful info here...

I can't say I've heard of a snow pear before. Lazy research tells me it's popular in western Asia and has a sour, mild taste. The ingredients are a little more extravagant for this one: water, extract of dried pear, dried mandarin orange, apricot kernal (it's in bold on the box; no idea why), bei sha shen, chaun bei mu, cane sugar, artificial flavor and caramel. So they're just messing with me at this point right? If there's no English translation for one of your ingredients, either leave it off the list or make something up. And WHY is apricot kernal in bold? It makes no sense to me. Just like the last drink, there's really no scent past the cardboard, so for the first time in my life, I assume, let's drink something with bei sha shen in it.


It's identical to the sugar cane drink. I mean identical. It may say it has different ingredients and different nutritional facts, but if you did the Pepsi taste challenge with these two drinks, no one would be able to tell them apart. Well this has been a giant waste of time, and I probably have apricot kernal poisoning. I'm going to go sit on the toilet for six hours and try and figure out that tile game. So long everyone.

Same

Pennywort Drink

Yep. Pennywort. Not recognized by spell check. Not recognized by any human being I've ever met. It's time to reach into my box of Asian drinks I bought online for a surprisingly reasonable/this will likely kill me price and drink some pennywort. What the hell even IS a pennywort? It sounds like it's either a concoction made by some 80s movie about witches having their revenge against a scorned lover, or the location of a corner convenience store. "Honey, I need to get some dog food, blanket, summer sausages and a rake, so I'm gonna walk down to Pennywort's; they always have the best deals." 

Let's access the power of the internet and see what I'm getting into before I drink this dented can from Asia that only costed me ninety cents...

Apparently the pennywort is a perrential herb (weed) that grown in moist areas. So...marijuana??? It's most common in parts of Asia, Northern Australia, India and Sri Lanka, and has been used for centuries as a medicinal property in those countries, including a remedy to help encourage lactation -  which means I'm in for a fun and confusing morning tomorrow. Everything I researched about Pennywort mentions some old folktale about an Asian Tai-Chi master, Li Ching-Yun, who lived to be 256 years old due to his daily consumption of Pennywort; he sounds like a dick and a liar if you ask me. Finally, I'm being told that Pennywort could have side effects, and I should contact my doctor before introducing it to my regular diet or if I'm pregnant. Which confused me because of the lactation and whatnot. 

Alright, but what can I learn about the Pennywort drink I hold in my hand right now? Besides being extremely dented, I am told that the ingredients are simply: water, Pennywort leaves extract (40%), sugar and citric acid, and it is a product of Thailand. I'm also told to shake well before use. Since I have no idea what to expect with this drink, I feel like this is one of the beverages where I need to pour it into a glass before consuming. Be right back!

Ugh...It looks and smells like the time I drank that celery extract. It claims there's sugar in here, but it just smells like a root vegetable and nothing else. Even Indiana Jones Kermit thinks it's TOO green. OK, I've rambled on long enough, let's give give it a taste. 

It actually IS sweeter than I had anticipated, but it's just so...Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yea. I don't know how else to describe it. As a kid, my parents had a timeshare in Myrtle Beach and we'd spend a lot of time there. Drinking this instantly brought my olfactory/taste senses to that location. I don't know if it's the swamps, oceans, seaweed, low altitudes or my current lactation tendencies, but I can't really come up with a better explanation. Pennywort tastes like Myrtle Beach. This is the oddest comparison I've ever made, but there we have it. Goodnight!