MAYrarhon Day 7: Paulaner Spezi

I'm going to see Captain America: Civil War today and I thought the best way to honor The First Avenger is by relaxing with a cold, German Cola. Wait. That would sort of have the opposite effect wouldn't it? I mean, Cap hates the Germans after all. But too bad cuz I already took it out of the fridge and I'm too lazy to change my shirt. AMERICA!

So today I'm drinking Paulaner Spezi. Which I'm told on the can that it is an orange soda with cola. Upon looking at the ingredients, I am intrigued to read that this cola contains actual orange and lemon juice and not artificial flavoring. Before taking a swig, I went to the internet to see if I could find any other information about this cocktail. It turns out that spezi is not the name of the company that makes it (I assume it's Paulaner), but rather a generic name for the mixture of cola and orange sodas. Anything with these two flavors combined is considered a spezi much like we would call any combination roots and beer a Root Beer...I think.

Alright I'm curious enough; let's open this can up and give it a smell. It smells a LOT like a regular

old can of Pepsi. I'm not getting any orange or lemon scents at all. And the taste? Well...it's Pepsi. I mean that's what it is exactly. I've always been pretty good at telling the different between Coke, Pepsi and RC Cola and this is just Pepsi in an orange can. No orange. No Lemon. No Mein Kampf. Just Pepsi. Nice try Krauts; this American boy isn't falling for another one of your tricks! My veins run black with United States Pepsi baby!
I should probably get that looked at.
 'MERICA!!!!!!

MAYrathon Day 6: Botan Rice Candy

I need a treat.

While I've enjoyed my first week in the MAYrathon of MAYhem (That's a twofer!). The last two things I've consumed have either consisted of cheetos made of dead shrimp or "juice" made of stupid celery. But the weekend is upon us and I'd like to kick it off with a sweet Asian treat. I'm talking, of course, about Botan Rice Candy.

I tried to do some digging on what a Botan is, but all that came up were different images of some blue haired anime guy. Upon further investigation, it seems that Botan is the name of the Japanese peony blossom but also named after some type of citrus flavoring used in Asian candies to simulate citrus flavorings. But who cares what it's called or what it tastes like; the reason I wanted this weekend treat is because the box promises a FREE CHILDREN'S STICKER INSIDE!!! Hell...freakin...YES! I'm going to crack open this little box and see what life changing adhesive will become a permanent part of my face.

Asian Lance Bass

After thirteen hours of parading up and down the streets of Chicago sporting my new sticker, I decided to pour out the rest of the contents of my box into my hand. I was taken aback to discover six individually wrapped, red sucking candies. I guess with the name Rice Candy, I expected like a sweet rice cake or a packet of soy sauce. This was unexpected. 

But who cares...I got my sticker. Nothing's gonna bring me down! Let's unwrap one of these suckers and see what they taste like. Two more surprises - it's wrapped in a second layer of rice paper, which I ate and now probably have chlamydia, and it's a soft, chewy candy.  It's not too bad. I'd equate it to the taste of a Gushers fruit snack without the gooey center. Decent candy. BADASS sticker. 

MAYrathon Day 5: Biotta Celery Root Juice

Alright, this is going to be a bit of a quickie. One because I got home late after working a fifteen hour day. And two - there's absolutely nothing good I can say about today's selection: Celery Root Juice. Let's just be real for a minute - did anyone even know celery came from a root? I guess I always figured it just kinda showed up next to the peanut butter and cream cheese as an uninvited guest. I've had a piece of celery string stuck in my freaking teeth since the Reagan administration. Celery SUCKS. Once I make my millions as a successful blogger, I plan to spend all that money eliminating celery from the face of the earth. If you like celery, go to your Facebook and unfriend me...and then move to China so you don't ever had to accidentally run into me in the street because I will find you and tell you how stupid celery is for the better part of an hour.

So celery - sucks (didn't I just tell you this?). celery root juice - obviously going to suck. A bottle of celery root juice with floaties in it and the color consistency of copper dirt - the devil's cocktail. I'm going to pour this one in a glass just to get the full "experience."

Is that you, peanut butter soda?

And HOO-RAY! It doesn't smell like dirt like I thought it would; it smells like spoiled tomato soup and parsley - what a treat! 

No....just no. I literally couldn't get it to go down my throat. I tried three times. I'm going to bed...and probably to hell. 

MAYrathon Day 4: (Star Wars Day) Prawn Crackers

Well it's officially Star Wars Day, May the Fourth, and what better way to honor my favorite character, Admiral Ackbar, than by eating his family. That's right, I took a trip down to the Asian Market and found myself a bag of Oishi Prawn Crackers. And in case you were wondering if they were happy to be eaten by an Irish-Polish buffoon with a website then look no further than their official website banner:

You Eat Us For Fun Time

I especially love the two prawn crackers shaking hands like their at a family reunion. So what is a prawn cracker you may ask? Well it's packaged like your run-of-the-mill chips or snack crackers you can get anywhere in the US, but it's actually made with real shrimp (apparently prawns were too expensive). Sure it's the eighth ingredient after starch, wheat, sugar, salt and other words I can't pronounce, but it's got shrimp dammit! Strangely enough; however, it's not a Japanese treat but a product of the Philippines. Here's what it says on the back of the bag:

          "FRESH SHRIMPS ( I guess shrimp is plural on that side of the Prime Meridian): Live shrimps are harvested and frozen to lock-in freshness until the day it is made into your favorite prawn crackers." 

A little presumptuous to assume this is my FAVORITE prawn cracker isn't it Oishi? They also warm me to consume IMMEDIATELY after opening. Well the suspense is killing me; let's break open this monstrosity of science and see what we're working with here. I broke open the bag and I was hit with a whiff of the cheapest smelling shellfish I've ever come across. It's indescribable. And here's what they look like fresh out of the bag...

Like a shellfish waffle fry.

So what does it taste like? I had about ten of them in a row just trying to come up with a discernible explanation. It's like if you went down to the ocean during low time and dredged up all the crustaceans you could, backed them into a truck full of shrimp ramen flavorings and then gave it to the Andy Capp Hot Fries guy and told him to make this delicious or you'd kill his dog. Yeah...let's just leave it at that.

May the Fourth Be With you. Except you Admiral...you're family's dead.

MAYrathon Day 3: Bubble Up

As a soda connoisseur (wow I can't spell that word), sometimes I want to check off some of the classics. While my main drive is to try the most bizarre drinks out there, there are also some retro originals that I've always wanted to check off my bucket list. Sodas like Cheerwine, Dad's Root Beer, Ski Soda and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are some of the drinks that have always intrigued me even though it may not lead to me having anything funny (when has that ever stopped me?) or interesting to say. Bubble Up is one of those such beverages. What is Bubble Up? Let's partake on a Wikipedia history lesson, shall we?

Unlike a lot of old timey sodas that stated as a health tonic or segregation enabler, Bubble Up was just a simple lemon-lime flavored soda originating in 1919 in Sandusky, Ohio. The soda, bolstering the tagline, "A Kiss of Lemon, A Kiss of Lime," debuted ten years before 7Up and was Coca-Cola's premiere lemon-lime soda long before Sprite came long. After financial trouble and tax fraud, the company was passed around like a Carson City harlot until finding a home with the Dad's Root Beer company in 2007 where it's still distrusted today. Also apparently a favorite of the late Merle Haggard.

I've wondered about the taste of this one for quite some time, so let's give it a shot. The smell is very lemony with a little lime afterthought. The taste is...different than what I expected. It's very flat tasting (and this is a fresh bottle) and really more resembles the taste of a Mountain Dew rather than a Sprite. Not a bad taste, but certainly different from what I was expecting. Happy to cross this one of the Soda Bucket List. Now where's that margarine spread? 

MAYrathon Day Two: Lobster Spread With Sherry

OK let's go down the list. Lobster - AWESOME. Pate or Meat Spreads - Occasionally Tasty. Blue Can with Lobster Picture That Was $4.00 at a Candy Shop - Terrifying. Today for my very first ever foray into food here at the beverage shack, we have Giovanni's Lobster Spread with Sherry. That's right, it's a fine food and a fine wine all rolled into one. How can this go wrong? I'm sure it's produced by the finest lobsters this side of Maine...........or apparently Richmond freaking Michigan!

OCEANS!

I am relieved to see that the first ingredient in this can is actual lobster, but the addition of soybean oil, onions, carrots and monosodium glutamate is a bit concerning. The sherry is like the last ingredient mentioned to, so there goes my chances of at least getting drunk off this. The serving suggestion says: "serve chilled on crackers, celery slices or cucumber slices. To which I say NAY! I choose room temperature with plastic spoon dammit! Let's crack this can open and see what we're working with.

I wish I had a cat...

Cuz like...it smells just like cat food. It's very light and fluffy and I'm relieved that there's no carrot chunks in there but THE SMELL. Alright let's throw caution to the wind and eat some Michigan lobster! 

You know what...I wanted to say I hated this and give it the business for being Midwest lobster spread. And I spilled a little on my hand and desk which will now be a permanent fixture to my skin and furniture but...I kinda dig this. It's just patey enough to taste good and just $4.00 enough to not give you high expectations. I'm going to hold off on a ruling until tomorrow and see how many night terrors I have. Under five - we have a winner!

MAYrathon Day 1: Swamp Pop - Satsuma Fizz

Well here goes nothing...
After a brief hiatus and a night of vomiting buffalo wing soda, I've decided to once again put my taste buds (and colon) to task by attempting to try something weird and unique every day in the month of May. In an attempt to change things up a bit, I've included weird foods to the list of awful possibilities as well, which I'm sure will be a great decision that I don't live to regret whatsoever. If I make it to June 1st in tact, I'm getting a colon cleanse!

So let's kick things off with day one from the "reputable" folks at Swamp Pop with their offering of Satsuma Fizz. What's a Satsuma you may ask? I have no idea, and had to go to their website just to get an idea of what I'm getting myself in to. Here's what they had to say:

"If you find yourself in Louisiana’s Livingston Parish, head south on Cane Market Road and you’ll run right into Satsuma, Louisiana, a town named after the plump, sweet satsuma – a favorite snack in south Louisiana. Devoted fans (and those fortunate enough to have a satsuma tree in the yard) wait all year long to snap them off the branch and taste the sweet, aromatic fruit. Swamp Pop Satsuma Fizz captures the experience of this popular Louisiana citrus fruit & can be enjoyed all year round!"

I Googled Louisiana's Livingston Parish and this was one of the first images that came up. I'll probably cancel my summer trip there, but I suppose I can still try some Swamp Pop since I'm confident this gentleman is currently behind bars and not looking to cut me open for my sweet satsuma insides.

Proudly displayed on the bottle is "Contains No Fruit Juice" just in case you didn't know what you were getting into here. It's a light orange color and smells faintly of tangerines. I think it's time to give this one a taste.

Pinky's Up

It's definitely an orange pop. Not quite as fizzy as the name would suggest. Did they ever make carbonated Tang? That's essentially what this is. Not terrible and not a bad first outing in this marathon. I give it 3.5 out of 5 Livingston Parish Criminal Stars. OK well that's one down; I think I'll go for a food item tomorrow...good luck stomach!