Pennywort Drink

Yep. Pennywort. Not recognized by spell check. Not recognized by any human being I've ever met. It's time to reach into my box of Asian drinks I bought online for a surprisingly reasonable/this will likely kill me price and drink some pennywort. What the hell even IS a pennywort? It sounds like it's either a concoction made by some 80s movie about witches having their revenge against a scorned lover, or the location of a corner convenience store. "Honey, I need to get some dog food, blanket, summer sausages and a rake, so I'm gonna walk down to Pennywort's; they always have the best deals." 

Let's access the power of the internet and see what I'm getting into before I drink this dented can from Asia that only costed me ninety cents...

Apparently the pennywort is a perrential herb (weed) that grown in moist areas. So...marijuana??? It's most common in parts of Asia, Northern Australia, India and Sri Lanka, and has been used for centuries as a medicinal property in those countries, including a remedy to help encourage lactation -  which means I'm in for a fun and confusing morning tomorrow. Everything I researched about Pennywort mentions some old folktale about an Asian Tai-Chi master, Li Ching-Yun, who lived to be 256 years old due to his daily consumption of Pennywort; he sounds like a dick and a liar if you ask me. Finally, I'm being told that Pennywort could have side effects, and I should contact my doctor before introducing it to my regular diet or if I'm pregnant. Which confused me because of the lactation and whatnot. 

Alright, but what can I learn about the Pennywort drink I hold in my hand right now? Besides being extremely dented, I am told that the ingredients are simply: water, Pennywort leaves extract (40%), sugar and citric acid, and it is a product of Thailand. I'm also told to shake well before use. Since I have no idea what to expect with this drink, I feel like this is one of the beverages where I need to pour it into a glass before consuming. Be right back!

Ugh...It looks and smells like the time I drank that celery extract. It claims there's sugar in here, but it just smells like a root vegetable and nothing else. Even Indiana Jones Kermit thinks it's TOO green. OK, I've rambled on long enough, let's give give it a taste. 

It actually IS sweeter than I had anticipated, but it's just so...Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yea. I don't know how else to describe it. As a kid, my parents had a timeshare in Myrtle Beach and we'd spend a lot of time there. Drinking this instantly brought my olfactory/taste senses to that location. I don't know if it's the swamps, oceans, seaweed, low altitudes or my current lactation tendencies, but I can't really come up with a better explanation. Pennywort tastes like Myrtle Beach. This is the oddest comparison I've ever made, but there we have it. Goodnight! 

Cake Sodas

You know what they say, "you can have your cake and DRINK it too." Yay! Starting with a terrible joke/pun for this review. Well...goodnight folks!

Oh, I should probably try the sodas too. Today I have two sodas based on cake. One I feel like is going to be awesome, while the other one scares the crap out of me. Let's go with the, hopefully, tasty one first.

Jones: Birthday Cake Soda
I've said this many times before - Jones Soda has never done me wrong. Never. I've already reviewed PB&J and Pumpkin Pie flavors and they tasted exactly like what they claimed to be. Even their weird holiday flavors from the past like Turkey and Mashed Potatoes did indeed live up to the hype. So I feel like I know what I'm getting myself into here, and I'm excited. You may notice I have two in the photo above. Well one is for consuming, while the other is to live forever on display because it is the greatest photo of all time. It's my best friend's marching band photo from high school, and I've been obsessed with it since I took it from his room before he left for college fifteen years ago. I still have the original copy on my fridge and it's just the greatest, nerdiest photo of all time. For his birthday this summer, I made him personalized Jones Soda with that photo on it, but I had one stipulation that I got to keep one bottle. I spend hours per day worshiping and mocking that saxophone playing, goofy faced bastard.

But now onto the one I'll drink! There's a cute photo of a hedgehog next to a cupcake, and Jones informs us that it's their official 20th birthday; they've been independent since '96. Good for you, Jones. Ingredients has the standard artificial flavors, sodium benzoate, and INVERTED cane sugar. This soda's got an innie. (how do you spell that)? I'm excited to try it, so lets go, toot sweet. Twist open the bottle and to my delight, it smells just like a cake. The inside of the cap also informs me that I should, "drive more slowly." But if I want to write a blog while going 90 in front of a daycare, then you can't stop me, Jones! BAHAHAHAHA. And the taste is......CAKE! More specifically vanilla icing and frosting. Even the aftertaste is distinctly cake. I really recommend you all seek this one out. If you love Cold Stone's cake flavored ice cream, or...just...like...cake, then you'll love this. Huzzah for Jones!

Abita - King Cake Soda

Come again now? King Cake Soda? What the hell is a king cake? The picture on the bottle looks like a snake's head was cut off and served on a platter made with "pure Louisiana Cane Sugar." I did some Google Image searching and it looks like Oompa Loompa fecal surprise with beads from...well never mind where they came from. Almost every photo also seems too have a little naked baby hidden in the cake. What...the...hell? This comes to us from the Abita Brewing Company in Louisiana. They're most known for their popular line of beers such as Abita Gold and Purple Haze. Let's see what their official website has to say about King Cake Soda. "All the goodness of King Cake - in an all-natural soda. Celebrate the sweetest treat of Carnival season with the flavors of frosting, candied sugar and cinnamon dough in this lightly carbonated soda. Made with pure Louisiana cane sugar and artesian spring water, and naturally caffeine-free."

Am I supposed to know what this cake is? The description makes me feel like I'm supposed to know what this is. This soda, which also claims to be gluten free contains actual cinnamon as one of the ingredients. But you know what, naked-baby-fecal-wonka-bead cake is too weird for me. Oh, I'll drink it, but I am not putting an ounce of research into what this cake actually is or why it's associated with a naked baby. I am going to spend the rest of my life being ignorant to what this cake actually is. If anyone ever tries to tell me about it, I will run (ok...waddle at mediocre speeds) in the other direction. I shall NEVER taste a king cake so long as I live!

So, let's taste some king cake soda. It smells like a mix between a churro and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And it tastes like cinnamon and butter. (glug) Very sweet, but not artificial tasting. It has a true dessert taste to it. I'm pleasantly surprised by this. If you've ever wanted to blend some cinnamon toast and a stick of butter, than this is the treat for you. And no naked babies in the soda version of King Cake!

Never Forget...

Labor Day: Dirt and Grass Soda

What a great weekend. I had four days off. My best friend got married. And I got to catch up with a lot of old friends. I figured what better way to top off a great weekend then to indulge in some new sodas. And since it's Labor Day, why not really get down and dirty and pay respect to the hard work our ancestors put in to make this country great. Why not take the time to consume some good old American soil, and not in the figurative sense either. I have today two flavors of soda I have definitely never tried before - dirt and grass, from the always creative and masochistic folks at Rocket Fizz. When I first picked these up, I thought it was just going to be a clever title for some chocolate and sour apple soda, but I watched a few videos of other people trying them and nope..it's dirt and grass flavored soda. Why? Because there's idiots like me in the world who will pay money to drink something that tastes like the ground. So let's get to it.

Dirt Soda

Right underneath the label of Dirt Soda it says "Shoveled and Bottled in the USA." Creative. The background photo is just a picture of dirt and it also claims to have pure cane sugar. I don't know if adding sugar to dirt makes it better or worse. Luckily the ingredients are just the standard soda stuff and no actual dirt has been added to the concoction. I imagine this is just like how they make those Bean Boozled jelly beans or the Harry Potter ones from a few years back. The color is a cloudy brown like a backed up RV toilet. There wasn't a single review or video that I saw where someone actually liked this, so I know I'm in for a treat. I hope I become the one person in the world who enjoys drinking dirt. (ladies). I crack open the bottle and go in for a big sniff. There really is an authentic mud smell to it with a hint of copper as well. Alright, bottoms up, America. Well that's.........dirt. It is legitimately a sweet tasting bottle of dirt. The aftertaste is 100% essence of ground. This is terrible, but I have to give them credit for truth in advertising. Even with my iron stomach, two sips is the best I can do. The taste won't go away; hopefully some grass will make it better. 

Grass Soda

This ultra-bright green soda claims to be Mowed and Bottled in the USA. There's grass clippings all over the label and, like Dirt, advertises its Pure Cane Sugar. Both flavors are pretty much made up of the same "natural" and "artificial" ingredients, with the Grass Soda including some extra food dyes. It's really deceiving my eyes because on the outside, it looks like a delicious Jones Green Apple Soda. Bottle is opened and I'm going for a sniff. Alright this is ridiculous. It smells just like lawn clippings. I am immediately transported to childhood and riding with my dad on the lawnmower. Who thinks of this stuff? I don't know if I've ever tasted grass in real life, so I'm not sure how to compare it, but here goes nothing. (tentative gulp). This one is a bit sweeter, and it definitely has a grassy flavor to it, but it's a lot fresher tasting than the dirt. I don't actually hate this. The best thing I could come up with to compare it to would be a banana peel. Or cucumber rinds. There's something so familiar to it, but I can't quite put my green thumb on it. I think I actually kinda like it. I probably need psychiatric help. 

Combo

Alright, just for kicks, I'm going to combine the two in a glass and give it a shot. After all, you can't have grass without soil. AMERICA. Mixing them together creates a lighter brown color with much heavier carbonation that drinking either separate. The soil still dominates the old olfactory sense. Let's taste...The Grass actually subdues the overpowering Dirt taste but only slightly. It's still pretty terrible. Well, I can check Grass and Dirt off my bucket list. Oddly enough, I still have another drink based on a non-edible element that I'll be trying soon. Until then, my burps taste like muddy water. 

Watermelon Flavored Sodas

I really need to clean out my fridge. I've just been picking up random sodas left and right, and with my giant box of Asian sodas in transit, I need to clear some space. Typically when I do reviews I'll try to have a theme like nostalgia, Asian or Piece of Shit, but they can't all be creative winners. So today, let's look at three beverages that are watermelon flavored...because why not.

Filbert's Old Time Quality Watermelon

What's a health inspector?

Ah, good old Filbert's. Who could forget the Old Time Quality taste you include in every tasty bottle. Why, we've been best pals since - June of 2016. Maybe even July. Yea, I had never heard of Filbert's Soda before, but apparently it's a Chicago staple since 1926. Much like Vernors is to Detroit, I guess Filbert's is a mainstay in the Chicago area; the picture to the right is an actual photo of their bottling machinery, apparently unchanged since the 20s. I came across this bottle at a brewery in the suburbs. I had never (to the best of my knowledge) actually tried a watermelon flavored soda, so I was intrigued and tantalized. And then it sat in my fridge forgotten for two months. Well I pulled it out recently and looked up the company. Though I've lived in Chicago for ten years, and for most of that time off of Ashland Ave. (Where the company is located), I still have never heard of them. And now I am definitely on the hunt to find more, as they produce more than thirty flavors from Green Apple to Banana to Grapefruit to Mr. Newport (which I assume is a cigarette flavored soda). But the theme today is watermelon, so let's get into it.

No actual watermelons were killed in the making of this soda, and for a high-fructose beverage, it's only 100 calories. The smell is very sweet and reminiscent of a candy watermelon. Low carbonation and almost a sticky-sweet texture as it flows down the ol' soda hole........If I did a blind taste test, and you asked me to tell you what it is, I would probably say Faygo Red Pop or Big Red. While there's the slightest hint of watermelon, it really tastes more like a classic red soda. Not bad at all, but not really what was advertised. I'd give it an 8/10 for flavor, but a 2/10 for overall watermeloniness. (patent pending)

Jolly Rancher Soda: Watermelon

This one is the second Jolly Rancher flavored soda to come from my friend Anisa. Those Albanians must really Love soda based on candy! I'm actually really excited to try this because of how much I loved the Blue Raspberry flavored one I had a few months ago. I already gave my thoughts on Jolly Ranchers in that review, so I am just going to dive right in and skip the lame jokes and pop culture references. I crack open the bottle and, oh yea, it's a watermelon Rancher. The smell is spot on. It's like they added some carbonation to melted candy. The taste? Freaking amazing. It's literally a liquid jolly rancher. For flavor: 9/10. For watermeloniness: That's tricky because while it tastes exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, it doesn't taste THAT much like a watermelon. More than Filbert's did though, so I'd go 7/10.

Trader Joe's Watermelon Cucumber Cooler

Finally, this one is a bit of a cheat as it's not a soda and not JUST watermelon flavored, but it's watermelon and it's in my fridge, so we're tasting it. I was a little late in the game in discovering Trader Joe's. I used to think that if I went in there, I would be sprayed with patchouli oil and forced to join a hackey sack league. Upon my first time shopping there, I asked for plastic bags and the whole place erupted in a pre-Civil Rights movement silence when someone crossed water fountains. But I've grown to love it, and one of my favorite things is their ever expansive line of juices. I've said it before, my favorite Gatorade flavor is the Cucumber Melon. So I have high hopes for this. It's actually made with watermelon and cucumber juice (concentrate) and there's a ton of sediment on the bottom of the jug which just screams "I'm real, dammit." Let's give it a shot, eh? It smells both exactly like watermelon and cucumber and also nothing like the two. It's hard to explain, and this blog has gotten long, so I'm not even going to try. (swig) Super, super sweet. I taste the flavors, but it is overwhelmingly sweet. 8% of your daily carbs and sugars, sweet. I would need to cut this with some water just to drink any more of it. Both flavor and watermeloniness (patent pending) get a 5/10. 

What a way to say goodbye to summer with these watermelon treats. Tune in next time where I drink dirt and grass...I wish I was kidding.

Crystal Pepsi (2016)

It's back! But was it ever really missed? The answer is...kinda. Like Surge, Crystal Pepsi has always had a cult following and the demand to see it again has always been pretty big. However, it was a bit of a flop when it was first introduced and Pepsi was fine with closing the vault on the experiment forever back in the 90s. It was unlikely for years that we'd ever see it again. And again, just like Surge, it was due to the outcry of like-minded nostalgia demand, led mainly by YouTube celebrity, the LA Beast, that got this item back on the shelves...for a limited time at least. Before giving my tongue another 90s bath, let's hit the interwebs for a brief history lesson on Crystal Pepsi.

That concert would have been pretty sweet!

While my nostalgia for Surge and Ecto Cooler remains solid because of what a huge part of my childhood and early teen years involved sucking it down like life support, Crystal Pepsi not only came around when I was younger (around 9), but it also lasted so briefly that it didn't put as big of a dent in my memory over time. I remember it existing, and I remember enjoying it (I think), but it came and went in a little more than a year. Pepsi experimented with their "caffeine free alternative" to Pepsi in select markets in early 1992 and it proved to be a hit. They rolled out complete production in 1993 and marketed it with stale headbangers Van Halen and stale impressionist Billy Crystal, who I guess were the hippest people in the go-go 90s.

Remember that Van Halen song, "Right Now?"
REMEMBER???? Me neither. 

Coca Cola tried to counteract the new clear soda craze with...Tab Clear. Which led every Generation Xer at the time to...not give a good god damn; most people were surprised that Tab was still around (and it STILL is today! and it STILL sucks!) And even with initial success, sales dropped rapidly for Crystal Pepsi as most people who like clear sodas realized they could just drink a Sprite, and most people who liked Pepsi, liked caffeine and so no point in drinking Pepsi without the magic wake-up dust. There was just no market for it, and by 1994, the stock was completely cleared out and it became nothing but an urban legend around the Pog tables and Roller rinks for nearly two decades. 

Interestingly enough, as nostalgia grew, and websites like eBay made vintage, unopened sodas a fun hunt for collectors, they began to surface online with a dark, muddy texture in their unopened bottles. Apparently, whatever magic turned Crystal Pepsi clear eventually wears off. Just like Poo-Be-Gone (Most obscure reference from most obscure movie ever). And as more and more of my generation decided to screw college and become internet reviewers and website stunt-boys, the legend grew and grew and the demand became overwhelmingly large. It made an extremely limited online only release around Christmas of last year, but was finally made available to the masses in August of this year. However, don't rest on your laurels and assume it'll always be around like Tab Clear (stupid), it's only around for an eight week release, which as of this writing means there's only four weeks left. I stocked up on enough to last the zombie apocalypse, but this may be the last time I'll ever taste a NEW Crystal Pepsi in my lifetime. So...is it worth it?

I crack it open and the fizz and carbonation dances around in the plastic bottle, probably listening to some Counting Crows songs. And the smell is so much like Pepsi but...not. It's interesting to note too that the new release does have caffeine unlike the original. Alright, I've waited 22 years for this, let's have a sip. 

Hmmm....It's definitely a Pepsi, but, for lack of a better explanation, it's Pepsi with a clear taste. It's as if you took a Sierra Mist, took out the lemon and lime flavoring, and shot it up with Pepsi instead. It's very bubbly and the aftertaste is almost that of seltzer water. I would say the nostalgia factor is a 10/10, but if I had to just go on taste alone, it's inferior to just a regular Pepsi. It's fun. It reminds me of watching X-Men cartoons and creeping out girls in elementary school, but it's not going to change my life or cure world hunger. Overall, a tasty treat that makes the rarity of it that much more enjoyable.

Okay, well my fridge is literally 75% weird sodas at this point, and I can't fit any real food in there, so I'm going to try and do these things on more of a regular basis. Hope you enjoyed how awesome I am. 

"Fan" Submissions - Jolly Rancher and Martian Poop Sodas

July 9th, 2013. Exactly three years ago, I started this little blog dedicated to trying and reviewing exotic and weird sodas, juices and foods. It's not something I ever kept a regular schedule on and definitely not, even though others have tried to push me towards it, something I did for monetary value or fame. It's just a little creative outlet where I can combine my love of writing and my love of sodas. I obviously didn't think I'd still be doing it three years later, and as time goes by, I find myself interested in perhaps getting the word out there more, perhaps learning to edit video and maybe even create a regular schedule with some cash bonus. But for now, I enjoy my little mini "fan base" I've collected. Friends and family have seemed to enjoy what I do on here and I've even collected a few treasures along the way from the soda pop pillow from my mom to the awesome coasters with my website from my godmother. I've also gotten plenty of requests and even, on a rare occasion, some submissions. Which brings me to where we are today with my first ever "fan" submission. Fan is in quotes because let's be honest, they're just friends who have probably taken pity on my terrible existence...let's drink!

  Jolly Rancher Soda: Blue Raspberry

This first one comes from a former student who graduated this year, Anisa. She had asked me if I liked Jolly Ranchers one day, to which I replied that I did but typically choose not to eat them. You see folks, not only have I been blessed with short stature, a flabby physique, webbed toes and a graying beard, but I've also been gifted with a small throat! Thank you, Jeebus. Basically, anytime I attempt to eat a hard candy, it almost always finds its way "down the wrong tube" and I end up gagging. jolly ranchers to me are like sunlight to vampires. However, she wasn't talking about the candy but the soda. "There's a Jolly Rancher Soda?" I said in disbelief. And the rest is history. It's been in my fridge for about a month now and I'm finally ready to check it out. My favorite flavors were always the Green Apple or the Spicy Cinnamon ones. I'm sure I've had the blue many times as a kid, but I can't recall exactly what it tasted like. Then I open the bottle and give it a sniff and my memory is suddenly jolted back to life. It smells just like a blue Jolly Rancher I remember from childhood. I had forgotten that smell for probably twenty years. (Going in for a sip). Oh man that is awesome. That's probably the best blue soda I've ever had. It's really fresh and actually goes out of its way to TASTE like the candy its based on. I really like that. Apparently they DO have the green apple and cinnamon flavors out there too, so I'll be keeping my eyes open for those. Very tasty! 

Martian Poop

Martian...Poop? Why? How? Why is it so green? Aren't martians themselves supposed to be green? Do they poop themselves out? Am I overthinking this entirely? Yes. So here's what I know. This comes to me from my best friend Bryan who knows of my affinity for weird sodas. This comes from the Marian Sodas line of beverages from Rocket Fizz. Basically they take less popular fruit flavors, make them into a soda and for some reason make them space themed. I've had two before: kumquat and plum, and they were both very tasty. But this one is based off a flavor I've never head of before - marionberry. (Apparently spell check has never heard of it either.) So before I open up this neon pink concoction with green poop on the label, let's take a trip to Wiki town and do a little research. 

So from what I could gather by trying to read with my fourth grade intelligence, is that a marionberry is a form of blackberry that was genetically created by Oregon State University. It's some sort of hybrid that isn't even supposed to exist. Much like...a martian??? I see what you did there Martian Poop. It's apparently also the source of controversy in Oregon because some want to name it the state berry while others continue supporting the current state berry, the kotata andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, who the hell cares? Let's crack it open! It really is the pinkest soda I've ever seen. It's lightly carbonated and smells of vague fruits I guess. Let's have a taste. (gulp) That's interesting. It has a very vague blackberry taste but its not the domnating flavor. Dare I say cotton candy? Ruby red grapefruit? Alien excrement? It's arguably probably the sweetest thing I've ever put in my mouth too, and that's saying something! Well done martians; your poop is lovely and when we colonize your planet, I know what I'll be eating while those other idiots are chewing on sardine paste. 

Well it's been a fun three years and I look forward to the next three. Thanks for your support, polite chuckles and for only hating me behind my back. If you have any suggestions for things I should try or want to be the next "fan" to submit something for me to drink so you don't have to, let me know!

Hi-C Ecto Cooler

Boy, are we living during a great era to be a nostalgia geek. With the power of the internet, passionate fans have been able to resurrect TV shows, bring back popular snacks and cereals, and revive long cancelled sodas and juices. I honestly never thought I would taste a Surge again in my life, and now i can walk down the street to 7-11 and pick up a can! After Surge, my go-to beverage as a kid was definitely Ecto Cooler. While Surge may have been popular in my early to late teenage years, Ecto Cooler was around for pretty much my entire childhood - ironically being cancelled in 2001, the year I graduated from high school. 

A brief history of the stuff: Hi-C originally made a deal with the Real Ghostbusters TV show back in 1987 as a product tie-in. What most people probably don't know is that it was just a re-branding of an already existing flavor, Citrus Cooler. While only meant to last for a year, the flavor proved to be so popular that it long outlasted the cartoon it was based on. Ghostbuster mascot, Slimer, would stay on as the "face" of Ecto Cooler well into the 90s. As a kid, my favorite version of Ecto Cooler came in these giant metal cans that my parents had to use a can opener to open up. It was a big hit at any birthday party and regardless of your opinion on the Ghostbusters cartoon or movies, everyone loved the it. When it was cancelled in 2001, I don't remember if I was really aware of it or not. By then I was 18 and didn't spend too much time with Hi-C, Capri Sun, or any of those types of juices anymore. It was only in the last few years as my love of 90s nostalgia grew that I remembered my fondness for that green liquid gold. I read articles on how people had made their own formula, made Ecto Cooler candles, and petitioned a great deal to get it back in stores to no avail. Then as news of a new Ghostbusters movie starting floating around on the internet, it was announced that for a limited time in 2016, Ecto Cooler would be back!

Which brings us to today when my package finally came in the mail. Now, "limited time" is a VERY accurate statement. It's been almost impossible to get, major retailers are not carrying it, and it doesn't seem that Hi-C plans to make it a major release any time soon. Unlike Surge, this is a very rare item going for upwards of $100 for a case on eBay. Although I really wanted the 12 oz cans, I was lucky to find anything on Amazon and found a fairly decent deal on a ten pack of juice boxes. I will never tell my mother how much I paid for juice boxes because she'd probably disown me, but I just had to have it, dammit!!

The packaging has the "Ghostbusters Only in Theaters" everywhere, and surprisingly no Slimer. It's just a green case with some oranges and tangerines on it with some green slime oozing down. Nice and simple. I've also forgotten how small a juice box is; I'm pretty sure I could kill this thing in two gulps. Certainly not a health drink - 21 grams of sugar and 7% of your daily carbs in this little 6oz can. Alright, I've talked enough - I can wait no longer! Straw inserted. It's been at least 15 years since I've tasted an Ecto Cooler. Here...we...go...

Oh man! It's exactly as I remember. From the taste to the sound the straw makes, I am 10 years old again! This is awesome. I have to hide these from myself so I can ration them off otherwise I will drink them all right now. This is every fat 90s kid's dream come true. I'm going to go watch the old X-Men cartoon, get out my slap bracelet and drink another box. Surge - check. Ecto Cooler - check. Now if Pepsi would just bring Josta back, my 90s trilogy would be complete! A boy can dream...