October Soda Soiree Part One: Brain Wash

It took me damn near a half hour trying to spell soiree correctly!

It's October again. The month where summer has all but faded into the mist, the trees shed their leaves and cider mill farmers and haunted wineries experience a 1000% increase in profits. And of course, everything in the world is flavored in pumpkin, sweet potato, cinnamon and yak's milk (I think). For this month, I've chosen to look at Halloween or spooky themed drinks that really have no other place in this dumb blog except for celebrating the month of October. Let's first take a look at Brain Wash: Carbonated Drink.

The strangest thing about this spooky skull drink is that I didn't order it. It was not on my radar of sodas to buy; in fact, I didn't even know it existed. It came in a package of weird sodas I ordered over the summer. I guess it was thrown is as a bonus or something or an offering by Satan himself. Either way, I have no idea what to expect with this one. Let's take a look at the bottle. Brain Wash Carbonated Drink seems to be going as some type of brain or nerve tonic. Look at Mr. Bones here with...bloody brains coming out of his skull? And those lifeless blue dots where his eyes should be. Who is the target audience with this? Goth Kids? PreMed surgeons? Skeletons? Well the main tag line at the bottom reads: For a Change of Mind. But then there's all sorts of other crap written all over the bottle like:

       - Helps relieve extreme mental overload

       - This may be your only way out!

       - We want you for life

       - Gets rid of all the garbage they've been dumping in your mind

       - Caution: May cause special effects. We cut out all the bullshit in life and went straight for the               brain

I don't get frightened often, I watched all thirty-seven "Land Before Time" movies and saw Dane Cook twice in concert, but this one has me a little worried. Is there THC in it? Will I wake up in Narnia? I better get my affairs in order before trying this one. Consider this my last will and testament in case Brain Wash actually kills me. 

Dear whomever reads this crappy blog:

You can have all my lame stuff. Please delete my internet history and destroy my laptop. 

Sincerely,

Matty Mac

OK. I feel safe now. Let's pour this bad boy into a glass and see what we're working with. Well...it's the thickest, darkest color of blue I've ever seen in my life. I can't even compare it to anything else. If crayola had a name for it, it would be "No Soul Murder Blue". And it smells weird too. Like herbal tea infused with paint chips. Alright enough chatter, let's wash my brain!

And just like that, everything is stained blue: my tongue, my lips, my teeth, my glass. This is really going to suck in a few hours when I have to pee. And I'm not exaggerating, it feels weird in my throat and my stomach. It's a thick, viscousy feeling. Like a non-alcoholic jagger shot on fire. Two sips is enough of this; I'm actually starting to feel sick. I think I'm going to go wander around my neighborhood and play Crazy Eights with some ducks for about six hours. So long folks! 

So..,Freaking...Blue

Summer Detox - Turmeric and Birch Tree Juice

Well it's that time of year once again. Summer has come to an end and I need to wash away three months of bad decisions without doing any exercise or healthy eating. So I've turned to some "popular" health tonics guaranteed to make me feel like a million bucks: Organic Turmeric Drink, Organic Birch Tree Juice, and Pure, Cold Activated, Rocky Mountain Spring Water. By combining these three drinks in one sitting, I'm sure to go from sweaty schlub to...less sweaty schlub. Let's do it!

Organic Turmeric Drink: Original

I honestly have no idea what this is or what it's supposed to taste like. It's also worth noting that I got

this at a Detroit market at least two years ago, and it still doesn't expire until next October. That Turmeric is some resilient stuff. Now...I don't know what turmeric even is and I'm much too lazy to look it up, but there's a TON of information on the bottle. Let's give it a read. It starts by telling me that one bottle of this drink is roughly equal to 4500 mg of fresh turmeric based on curcumin levels. I asked my doctor how my curcimin level is currently (spellcheck doesn't even know this word), but he told me to get out of his house and stop looking at his daughter. I assume my curcumin level is pretty badass, but I could always use a boost. Then there's an entire paragraph on the bottle: "Organic Turmeric Drink - Original is a unique blend of turmeric beverage.(what?) The main ingredient of organic turmeric has healthy inflammation response and anti-oxidant properties. This yellow culinary root is widely used in southeast Asia and goes all the way back to ancient India. Turmeric can help increase the production of vital enzymes in the liver which eliminate toxins found in the body." This is EXACTLY what I need! Finally, It tells me that to promote absorption of nutrients, it includes 100 mg of black pepper extract and 50 mg of olive extract. Why? How? Why? There's no way this will taste good. I peel off the plastic, snap off the cap and give it a whiff.
I'm surprised to find it has a sweet smell. Well...let's get healthy. (first sip) This is a unique one. It tastes like green tea meets ginger ale without carbonation. It's very rooty tasting, but a lot more drinkable than I expected. It's a bright brown color and at the bottom of the glass sits a large ring of root sediment. I can already feel my raisin-sized liver growing back. That takes care of June!

Sealand Birk: Organic Birch Tree Juice (Ginger and Line)

Alright sins of July, time to wash you away too. With the most adjectives I've ever witnessed in one drink, it's Birch Tree Juice! Like the last one, it comes with a paragraph bragging about how great it is. "What is Natural Birch Juice? (I have a feeling you're about to tell me) Sealand Birk is organic juice tapped directly from the Birch tree in the early spring. The juice is a very refreshing, slightly sweet liquid, filtered through natural root system and gently pasteurized.(nice grammar, dick) The juice can be enjoyed as the natural taste (nice grammar, dick) or mixed with other natural flavors from Elder flower, Raspberry, Blueberry or Ginger/Lime."  I really wanted to try the original flavor, but I could only find the Ginger/Lime. Enough talk, let's do this BIRCHES! (get it?). I crack it open and it smells a lot like hand sanitizer. That's not a great sign. (first sip) I mean...I don't know how else to describe it other than it tastes like dirt. Sure they threw some ginger and lime flavorings in there but...it's mostly...dirt. You owe me big, liver! (bottoms up). Yea I got through about half the bottle before gagging. I'm sure that's good enough for my immune system.

Alright! I did a great job here and now I feel like I could slowly walk the mile in under 46 minutes! That'll beat my previous record by a week! Where did I put that Rocky Mountain Spring Water? I need to hydrate!

Future Wheaties Model

Revenge of the Ramune: Original and Hello Kitty

I've tackled the Ramune sodas twice before. They're the tiny glass bottles with a stupid marble floating around for no reason. However, in the past I went for the weirdest flavors I could find - teriyaki and kimchi. Both tasted like complete ass. But the truth is, Ramune sodas are very popular and can be found in just about any sushi restaurant in America, and they have a variety of normal flavors like melon, strawberry and octopus (seriously). So instead of tasting the ones that are no doubt going to taste awful, let's see where it all began with "original" flavor. Oh, and "Hello Kitty" flavor too just for kicks.

Original
What really spikes my curiosity on this one is that the flavor is actually called "original". It gives no indication of what that actually tastes like. I suppose it's like how coke is actually called Coca Cola Classic or something like that. And no, sangaria is not the flavor, that's the company that makes this. (That's not even how you spell sangria, idiot!) So I don't know what I'm getting into, but I'm just going to dive right in and give this a shot after reading the paragraph of instructions and warnings.




- okay, remove plastic wrapping - check
- plastic lid thing falls off desk and rolls under chair - check
- retrieve plastic lid thing and put back on top of plastic blue thing - check
- press down on plastic lid thing until it goes into plastic blue thing - check
- hurt thumb - check
- dumb marble is released for no reason and floating around in my drink looking to kill me - check
- try to fit giant plastic blue thing around my mouth to have a sip - check

Giant blue drink spout. (please no photo shopping)

Overall it's not bad. I'd say if you dipped a stick of cotton candy into a cream soda, that's about the
taste you get here. Very sweet, but I can see why kids like it so much even if it is basically impossible to open and drink. Decent stuff. I give it a 7/10.


Hello Kitty

So this is another one where no flavor is really indicated. It's simply called "Hello Kitty Ramune Soda with Marble." Why is that god damn marble such a selling point for these drinks? You can go to dollar general, get a three liter bottle of off-brand Dr. Pepper and a bag full of marbles for two bucks. Chuck 'em all in the bottle, shake 'em up, grab a friend and play a game I like to call Try to Live! The odd thing about this is that it's made by CTC Foods International, and not Sangaria, so it's a completely different Ramune soda company. This one must be the kings of the Ramune black market because they got the Hello Kitty licensing deal while the other company only got floating beach ball shells. But does it taste any different? Let's break another one of my thumbs and find out!
Short answer - nope. Long answer - nope but flatter. I was surprised this one was flatter seeing as it is advertised as being a carbonate soda. Yep - carbonate and not carbonated. This one gets a 6/10. Neither were that bad, but my teeth need a break. Next week - it's summer detox time.

So much needles waste...

Season Two - A Trip to the World Market (Part Two)

Wow I actually managed two posts in two weeks - my personal best since 2013. I'm a really swell guy. Anyway, we're moving on to the next two sodas I purchased from my visit to the World Market. Did I mention that this particular World Market is located inside a Bed, Bath and Beyond? It's hard not to hold your head in shame while the lady behind to you is buying diapers and a dog leash while I'm holding up the line to buy meat sodas. I'm a really swell guy.

Today we look at two pops from the Cicero Beverage Company located right here in Chicago, Illinois. Upon a glance at their website, I discover they are an award winning beverage company with such "prestigious" awards as: Anthony's Root Beer Barrel (94/100), Eric's Gourmet Root Beer Seal of Approval and 3rd Place at the Homer Soda Festival. You know what, Cicero? I won a good sportsmanship trophy award for being a crappy bowler in 7th grade but you don't see me bragging about it! Although...I could use some bragging; I should find that trophy. Well the sodas that won all the awards are not the two I am going to try today because I didn't know the other ones were the cool ones. I went with the reject emo kid sodas. Let's give 'em a whirl.

Chocolate Hazelnut
This one is going to be a crap-shoot for me. I hate Nutella but enjoy a coffee with hazelnut flavoring, so it's up in the air. Let's crack it open.

It's heavily carbonated, and some bubbles have now found a home in the crevasses of my keyboard. And it smells like hazelnut...like strongly like hazelnut. (takes a sip). Okay...so...if you're not an experienced soda aficionado like me and you try to drink this...you'll die. It tastes fine; that's not the issue (chocolate and hazelnut just like advertised), it's just so carbonated that you will choke and die if you drink this. I'm serious! I took three big swigs and it was like 2/4 air, 1/4 fizz and 1/4 actual liquid. It does the fizzy mambo #5 in your mouth as you try and swallow it before it comes out your nose.  I've burped 96 times in the last three minutes.  That's all I can take of that one. NEXT!

Every sip is this poster

Candied Bacon
I was excited for this one, but after the carbonation domination of the last Cicero soda, I'm nervous. This is oddly enough my third time having a pop made to taste like the ass of a pig. The first was a chocolate maple soda that I had years ago, and the second was a straight bacon flavor. This will be my first "candied" bacon soda. I crack this one open and there's not cavalcade of bubbles escaping, so that's a good sign. It smells like 90% pancakes and 10% Spam. Yay?

Let's do this. (sips)................................................................................................................................ So you ever drink an iced coffee and ask the waiter for a scone? He informs you that while they're out of scones, they do have plenty of strips of raw bacon. So you settle dipping some raw bacon in your coffee and oops, dropped the bacon right in the mug. Oh darn! So then you use a bottle of syrup and a gallon of sugar cubes to fish the bacon out? I know, I know, we've all been there! Well that's what this tastes like - sugarbaconcoffeesyrup. I think I'm going to take a trip to Eric's Gourmet Root Beer and demand he removes his seals of approval. I knew I couldn't get two weeks in a row of good tasting stuff! Well next week I get to try something that supposedly tastes like Hello Kitty. Stay tuned.

So...Much...Carbonation

Season Two - A Trip to the World Market (Part One)

Well it's been roughly a year of neglect, but after a random trip to a store called World Market, where the abundance of weird sodas called to me like a siren's song, I've decided to dust off the old blog and return to what I do best/worst - trying crappy sodas for my own amusement. New year. New apartment. Same old awful jokes that would make a fourth grader roll their eyes. Welcome to Season Two!




Jones Soda's Peanut Butter and Jelly 
I grew up on Jones Soda. It was like that special treat you found at some fancy coffee shop where your parents would fork up an extra three bucks for delicious sugary treats such as Fufu Berry or Blue Bubblegum. I always had a case of Green Apple stocked in my fridge during college. Plus they were made with pure cane sugar! Which at the time meant nothing other than to slap someone's Pepsi One out of their hands for having lame high fructose corn syrup instead of the CANE! Oddly enough, this was the only offering from Jones at the World Market and by far one of the strangest. Upon reading the bottle it looks as this is a limited edition release meant to "honor the basic workhorse lunch of lunches." I took a gander at the ingredients and saw no bread, peanut butter nor jelly. However much to my delight, it includes such delicacies as...artificial flavors, potassium sorbate and calcium disodium edta. Yea! Potassium and calcium in one wholesome drink, take THAT vegetables! The liquid in the bottle has a purplish tint to it which makes me guess they're going for peanut butter and grape jelly. I crack it open and it REALLY smells just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! OK, no more farting around; let's take a sip. (guzzle guzzle). Wow - my hat's off to you Jones Soda. This is fantastic. It's not like the time I tried peanut butter pop and it tasted like like sugared salt or the time I tried Caffeine Free diet coke and it tasted like butt-hole, no this actually tastes like the product it claims to be! I don't know if I could drink more than one without dying of a sorbate overdose, but I am impressed. It's nice to restart this blog with an actual good tasting soda for a change! Well that's it for today; join me next time as I try a twofer from Chicago's own Cicero Beverage Company.

Oh, and here's what my "fortune" under my bottle cap said. So...all you zesty ladies out there should give me a call and we'll go solve world hunger or eat a candy bar - whichever comes first.

Ramune Soda - Kimchi Flavor?

OK, let's face it. 2014 was not a great year at the beverage shack. I went from doing too much and making no money, to making great many and doing even more. As a result, my strange soda drinking habits took a back seat to fun daily occurrences of children calling me short, adults calling me dumb and colleagues calling me weird! But one of my New Years resolutions was to get back in the writer's chair (I pretend it's a rocket ship; it pisses off my neighbors) and do more writing. So let's get back into it shall we?

MMMM. Just look at that picture about. If anything is going to pull me out of soda retirement it's...kimchi? I know kimchi exists and has something to do with like, cabbage, but I've never tried it. Wikipedia describes it as "a traditional fermented Korean side dish made of vegetables with a variety of seasonings. It is often described as spicy and sour." Yea there should not be a soda based on this...at all.

But Min Wong on the bottle is so happy that I am going to try her delicious cabbage pop. "Ha ha ha, stupid fat American. So fat can't chew. Eats carbonated vegetable water! Hello Kitty and so forth." Well I won't stand here and get teased by some Asian stereotype, let's get drinkin'. For those of you who saw my old blog where I tried Ramune's Teriyaki soda, you know that it was really difficult to open, but I've done my homework this time and I'm cracking this bad boy open with no trouble...

And I'm bleeding. God Dammit Raume! Why do you hate me so??? OK going for a sniff. UGH. It smells like beef bullion broth. And it's making gurgling sounds like the bog of eternal stench in "The Labyrinth." First reference of 2015; nailed it! No more stalling - time for a sip (cautiously sips)...

If we've ever been friends, you know this fact about me - I hate ketchup. And that's what this tastes like: sweet ketchup pop. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shame cry for about an hour. Tune in next week (I promise!) for an expired Harry Potter soda ripoff that I said I'd review a year ago. (No I didn't get a new one; it's the same bottle). 

Ketchup? Catsup?

So I Went to an Ethnic Market (Five months ago)...(Part Two)...

Ah the old Beverage Shack. A lot of memories here. It's so good that I've kept up not only with good facial hygiene, but also with this blog. Why 2014 has sure had its share of blog-related laughs hasn't it folks? Let's take a look back at my last post dated...January 29th? Hmmm. Well I'm sure I had some sort of explanation for my long absence; what does my last sentence of that post say? "See you next week for more ethnic treats!" Okay think, Matty. You can fix this. Just tell a little fib and go on like nothing ever happened.


Hey everyone! Wow that Daylight Savings Time sure can throw things off am I right? Well a week has gone by and like I promised, we're here to explore more delicious ethnic beverages I recently (I hope they're not expired) purchased at Ishtar Ethnic foods in Novi, Michigan. Without further ado, let's delve into two more foreign fizzy flavors of...uh...fun?

#3 - Kazouza's Lemon Mint Sparking Fruit Drink

Wow what a shelf life!

This light green contraption comes to us all the way from everyone's favorite vacation destination: Zakroun, Lebanon. What really caught my attention here was the flavor. It seems like such an obvious and refreshing combination, but I don't think I've ever had it. I know I've had cocktails and even water muddled with the two ingredients, but never a soda. I was intrigued and honestly, when have the Lebanese ever let anyone down? Have they? I know nothing about politics. Anyway. Looking at the ingredients shows that it's made from cane sugar which is always a bonus and comes packed with Esters of Wood Rosins. Esters...of Wood...Rosins. You know what, I'm not even going to look it up because I am terrified to learn what that could possibly be. Ignorance is bliss Mr. Kazouza. Let's crack this bad boy open and give it a sniff. (sniff) And it smells like toothpaste. EXACTLY like toothpaste. But how does it taste? Thankfully not like toothpaste. It's actually pretty good. I definitely taste the lemon, the mint and the wood rosins. This is a really refreshing summer-type drink. I'd say it's pretty much the Lebanese non-alcoholic version of a mojito. Not bad at all!



#4 - Legendary Uludag Gazoz
Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh my God! Did you really get your hands on THE legendary Uludag Gazoz!?!?" Yes, as unbelievable as it may sound, I have obtained a bottle of the most legendary Turkish orange soda in the history of mankind. It glistens with perfection as my unworthy eyes are drawn to its awesome mountains and vague 1930 dated label. Not to mention the truly epic 4% REAL orange juice in every bottle. And, oh my, such off-the-charts ingredients as "flavoring", "coloring" and "CO2." I truly don't know if I am noble enough to bathe my taste buds in such mythical product. Tis as if Santa Claus himself squeezed out the carbonated soda from Jesus's orange juice machine. Well, I've come this far - I may as well partake in some Gazoz. (puts undeserving lips to heavenly nectar) It's...It's...IT'S...flat Orange Fanta. Legendary my ass.

Well it's good to be back in the shack once again. Tune in next week (I promise this time) where I take a look at what can only be described as a Harry Potter soda ripoff.