The 12 Days of POPmas Day 4: Melon Creamy Soda

I'm no where near mentally prepared for this. I took a gamble on a few close to expiring sodas, but all were still fairly fresh. This one I KNOW is expired...and may or may not contain cream. Plus it's from Asia, which my track record of Asian beverages has been far from stellar. So this is Melon Creamy Soda. Those three words should never exist in the same state let alone the same beverage. This massive 16.5 ounce aluminum can is declared to be "tasty" and "Quality from UCC." I'm avoiding looking up what the UCC is because I'm guessing it has something to do with squid organs. The Japanese symbols also translate to: "It's tasty and refreshing! Always makes you feel fresh and cool." Don't tell me how to feel, cream melons. A look at the ingredients reveals, oh well great, Evaporated Skimmed Milk. So this is literally a milk pop. A definitely expired milk pop. What the hell am I doing with my life?

I had to pour this one in a glass before I drank it just to see what the texture is.

And there you have it - a carbonated, snot-green, cloudy cream soda. It looks like if Ecto Cooler and a Diner dairy creamer fell into a Soda Stream. Alright, I've stalled long enough - it's time to do this for my millions of made up fans! The first sip tastes like milk. The second sip tastes like spoiled melon someone left out on the surface of the sun. The third sip tastes like a thick, bubbly vanilla shake that has AIDS. 

Nope. That's it. I'm done with this one. 0.5 out of five Santa hats. It only gets a 0.5 because I got to use "milk pop" in a sentence for the first time. I'm going to go lay in the bathtub and reflect on some life choices for the next 18 hours...

The 12 Days of POPmas Day 3: Martian Soda Plum Flavor

Ah the plum, nature's C Minus fruit. Seriously, has there ever been a situation where someone says, "Ok guys, don't panic but, we're out of plums! I know, I know! I checked three stores this morning and they're sold out. Now we do have some ice cream and beer that we can force down until they restock." NO! No one cares about plums. Every time I've ever been offered a plum, my reaction is always, "Uh....yea...I guess." Then about halfway through eating it you're neither satisfied nor upset...plums just kinda exist. They're like Daddy Long Legs - too boring to love, to useless to hate. But it is a well known fruit, and I'm actually fairly surprised I've never come across another plum flavored soda or juice in the past. This is part of the Martian Soda line of pops that specialize in bizarre or rare flavors such as kumquat, marionberry and mulberry. I've actually had the kumquat flavor and even did a video of it, but it was lost to the annals of The Cloud never to be seen again. 

So I crack it open and it smells more like grapes than anything. Although to be honest, it's been at least 104 years since I last had a plum, so what the hell do I know? Alright I'm going in...

I don't hate it. I don't really get "plum" from it, but I guess that's probably a good thing. If anything, it's a lighter in carbonation but sweeter version of Fanta Grape Soda. I thought I'd be PLUMMED out by this (GET IT!!!!!), but I must say I'm pretty impressed overall. Four out of Five Santa Hats. I've made it through three days of teeth rotting, belly busting beverages...nine more to go. 

The 12 Days of POPmas Day 2: Jelly Belly Sour Cherry

Let's keep this holiday choo-choo of exotic sodas chugging along with yet another pop based on a popular candy, Jelly Belly. Part of the reason I'm doing this marathon is fear of these sodas expiring, and as I look at this bottle with no expiration date, I notice a random white film forming around the lip of the bottle. It's probably not safe to drink, but what the hell - I got lots of unused sick days!

Jelly Belly put out a line of "gourmet sodas" including flavors such as Tangerine, Lemon Drop, Strawberry Jam and French Vanilla, but no Buttered Popcorn?!?! That's my all-time favorite flavor of Jelly Bean and it's probably the most polarizing candy in all creation. People either love it or hate it; there's no in between. But think of the marketing value there. You can go to the movies and just get ONE item that has everything. Sparkling soda goodness. Warm buttery favoring. Shame sweats. Someone get Jelly Belly and the patent office on the phone, I have an idea. 

As I tend to do, I went with the most obscure flavor available - Sour Cherry. I know the sour cherry beans taste good, but does the soda do it justice? Let's find out. (smells like a jelly bean so that's a good/terrifying sign right off the bat) But the taste???

Wow! This one lives up to the hype! It's sour. It's cherry. It's bubbly. I can already feel my teeth rotting off from the 42 grams of sugar, but hot damn is this tasty. This one gets a four and a half out of five Santa hats. 

The 12 Days of POPmas Day 1: Astro Pop Soda

Well, when I decided to start writing about obscure sodas again over the summer, I went a little overboard. There's about 40 random sodas around my apartment and some are likely to expire soon. So I figure why not tie it in to the holidays and clean some shelf space with "The 12 Days of POPmas." Each day until Christmas Eve, I'll be doing a mini-review from some of the more random sodas I've purchased over the last six months. So let's get started with day one.

 
To your left is today's beverage of choice: Astro Pop Soda Passion Fruit, and to your right is a photo of an actual Astro Pop. The weird thing is, even though I know Astro Pops exist, I don't know for sure if I've ever had one before. I'm sure I must have at some point but I really couldn't say what an Atro Pop tastes like. Which is also why I went with the most obscure flavor I could find: passion fruit. I really don't know if I could point out what a passion fruit tastes like either. Essentially what I'm saying is, this could taste like goat blood oatmeal (goatmeal?) and I still wouldn't know if it's true to a passion fruit OR an Astro Pop.

The bottle happily tells me that it contains zero calories, invites me to "Enjoy the full Astro Pop experience new in bottles," and informs me that this beverage is "Ultra Sweet: 100% Natural Non GMO." That's a lot of information to take in, and I'm a little bummed because I was looking for at least 40% GMO for my still-growing boyish figure. The nutrition facts shows that while there are 0 grams of sugar, there ARE 9 grams of sugar alcohol? Uh...is this legal? Alright let's give it a whirl.

Lightly carbonated and A LOT less sweet than I anticipated. It tastes kinda like a Wally Warhead once the sour wears off. A nice taste for a sucker but not so much for a soda. I'll give this one two out of five Santa hats. 

It's Halloween - Pete's Pumpkin Patch Soda

I think we all knew this was coming eventually. But what about part two of the Pumpkin Beer collection? "You promised us more pumpkin beers!!!" Well here's a recap: They were sweet, tasted vaguely of pumpkin and were all pretty crappy. I realized that after the first three, I didn't have much to say about the other three, plus it's the last day in October, and I wanted to end with this one.

It's weird that with the influx of pumpkin flavored everything that's sprung up over the past decade, that there haven't been a plethora of pumpkin sodas. In fact, this is the only one I've ever come across before, and it's not made by a mass distributor either. It's just produced by a guy named Pete at some shady farm in Camarillo, California. The website is plastered on the bottle, but when I went to visit the site (it looks like it was made by a twelve year old on Geocities in 2002), it mentioned nothing about the soda whatsoever. There's a few pictures, a broken map and info about field trips and a hayride - whoopty shit.           www.petespumpkinpatch.com 

Totally safe here. Murder free since September.

Let's check the comments section. Maybe folks who have visited Pete's have something to say about his soda. 

Mmmm kay...

Well it looks like I'm on my own here, so let's give it a whirl. My first observation is that it's definitely orange. So they got the color right. I snap it open and give it a quick sniff. All I smell really is a mild brown sugar. Let's see what Pete cooked up on his death ranch and give this a taste. 

It's a lot milder than I expected. Very lightly carbonated and extremely light on the pumpkin flavor. But on the flip side, it's more of the taste of actual pumpkin than the beers and coffees I've tried. It doesn't taste like fake pumpkin flavoring. The more I try it, it actually tastes like an orange pop with cinnamon flavoring added. I don't hate this one. Looks like I get to end October with a treat instead of a trick. Maybe I'll head out to California and congratulate Pete on a job well done.

No one can hear you scream out here

October Soda Soiree Part Two: Pumpkin Beers (one of two)

What's all the hype surrounding pumpkin flavored stuff in October? Do we really like it or are we preconditioned to look forward to it because we don't get it year round? McDonald's just started doing all day breakfast, and I have a feeling it's going to be a flop. If things are readily available to us at all times, we take them for granted and don't really care. When was the last time anyone just HAD to have a Sprite? We know it's there, and it's not going anywhere so who gives a turkey? But as a society, we are obsessed with pumpkin flavoring around this time of year, especially pumpkin flavored beers. But are they really all that tasty? Well, I went to my local Binny's and grabbed six pumpkin beers and gave them a try in the name of science and not acute alcoholism. Below are my honest opinions. As an addendum, I went for ones I had never tried before so most of the popular, mainstream beers won't make an appearance here.

#1 - Tyranea Brewing Co. - Painted Ladies Pumpkin Spice Ale
Here's what the bottle says: “The Painted Ladies Annual Fling celebrates the Renaissance of downtown Lake Mills (WI). Although named for the restoration of many Victorian storefronts, some of the more adventurous women-folk added a playful twist and dressed up as, well, painted ladies. Inspired by these bold and spicy women, we brewed Painted Ladies, a pumpkin and spice-infused, amber ale. This fall, make sure you enjoy a fling with a few painted ladies."

Painted Ladies...Isn't that a fancy word for prostitute? Is this hooker beer? Is Tyranea telling me to go meet a hooker? Well I appreciate the sage advice and all, but I’m here to try your pumpkin beer...but maybe after?

I've never heard of this beer company. I went on their website to see if I had heard of any of their beers and I have not, but they seem to have a pretty big following. It’s funny that all these pumpkin beers are pumpkin flavored with other spices, but they rarely tell you what exact spices they use. Tarragon? Garlic? Wattleseed?

It has that distinct pumpkin smell, but not as sweet as others I’ve sniffed in the past.

And the flavor matches the smell, definitely not as sweet as the average pumpkin beer. The pumpkin is very mild and the amber ale takes the lead while the pumpkin flavor rides shotgun. It’s also really flat. They really could have "painted" this up a little more. Get it!
Verdict: 2 out of 5 Gourds

#2 - Stevens Point Brewery - Limited Edition Harvest Craft Creations: Pumpkin Peach Flavored Ale. 

Try saying that ten times fast. This is one of two beers I picked up from the Harvest Craft Creations series. This one caught my eye because it’s taking the regular old pumpkin beer and adding peach juice to it; something I never would have thought of. This is another brewery out of Wisconsin, but this one I have heard of, and have enjoyed some of their beers in the past.

I give it a whiff and the pumpkin smell is strong. No real essence of peach, but maybe it’s in the taste. I give it a couple of sips and...it’s weird. A good weird I suppose, but weird just the same. It’s like pumpkin and peach are in a fight to the death but are evenly matched. I taste both flavors equally, but they don’t blend together. Try replacing Jelly with spaghetti sauce on your pasta. You taste them both, but God didn’t intend them to be buddies. Unique to say the least, but a one and done for me; I wouldn’t seek it out again.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 Gourds 

#3 - Wild Onion Brewing Company - Pumpkin Ale

Supposedly around since 1996, I have never heard of these guys and they’re based locally right out of Chicago.Nothing fancy here, simply a can with an angry looking pumpkin. Mild smell. Strong pumpkin taste, more than the others so far. Very light and easy drinking. Like a pumpkin infused PBR. Maybe because it’s in a can. Already getting a little sick of pumpkin, but this is probably the best one so far.

Verdict: 3.5 out of 5 Gourds

Alright, this is enough reading about my random pumpkin ramblings for today. I'll post part two later in the week. See you then.

October Soda Soiree Part One: Brain Wash

It took me damn near a half hour trying to spell soiree correctly!

It's October again. The month where summer has all but faded into the mist, the trees shed their leaves and cider mill farmers and haunted wineries experience a 1000% increase in profits. And of course, everything in the world is flavored in pumpkin, sweet potato, cinnamon and yak's milk (I think). For this month, I've chosen to look at Halloween or spooky themed drinks that really have no other place in this dumb blog except for celebrating the month of October. Let's first take a look at Brain Wash: Carbonated Drink.

The strangest thing about this spooky skull drink is that I didn't order it. It was not on my radar of sodas to buy; in fact, I didn't even know it existed. It came in a package of weird sodas I ordered over the summer. I guess it was thrown is as a bonus or something or an offering by Satan himself. Either way, I have no idea what to expect with this one. Let's take a look at the bottle. Brain Wash Carbonated Drink seems to be going as some type of brain or nerve tonic. Look at Mr. Bones here with...bloody brains coming out of his skull? And those lifeless blue dots where his eyes should be. Who is the target audience with this? Goth Kids? PreMed surgeons? Skeletons? Well the main tag line at the bottom reads: For a Change of Mind. But then there's all sorts of other crap written all over the bottle like:

       - Helps relieve extreme mental overload

       - This may be your only way out!

       - We want you for life

       - Gets rid of all the garbage they've been dumping in your mind

       - Caution: May cause special effects. We cut out all the bullshit in life and went straight for the               brain

I don't get frightened often, I watched all thirty-seven "Land Before Time" movies and saw Dane Cook twice in concert, but this one has me a little worried. Is there THC in it? Will I wake up in Narnia? I better get my affairs in order before trying this one. Consider this my last will and testament in case Brain Wash actually kills me. 

Dear whomever reads this crappy blog:

You can have all my lame stuff. Please delete my internet history and destroy my laptop. 

Sincerely,

Matty Mac

OK. I feel safe now. Let's pour this bad boy into a glass and see what we're working with. Well...it's the thickest, darkest color of blue I've ever seen in my life. I can't even compare it to anything else. If crayola had a name for it, it would be "No Soul Murder Blue". And it smells weird too. Like herbal tea infused with paint chips. Alright enough chatter, let's wash my brain!

And just like that, everything is stained blue: my tongue, my lips, my teeth, my glass. This is really going to suck in a few hours when I have to pee. And I'm not exaggerating, it feels weird in my throat and my stomach. It's a thick, viscousy feeling. Like a non-alcoholic jagger shot on fire. Two sips is enough of this; I'm actually starting to feel sick. I think I'm going to go wander around my neighborhood and play Crazy Eights with some ducks for about six hours. So long folks! 

So..,Freaking...Blue