MAYrathon Day 9: Sweet Jelly of Sweet Pumpkin

So I guess it's a pumpkin theme this week? This one has me so perplexed and baffled that, unlike a typical review of odd soda or weird food, I've decided to completely avoid doing any research or backstory on what this product actually is. It's so weird looking and sounding that I really just want to go in blind with this one. So instead of finding out what it is, let's analyze the box a little bit and see what the hell this could possibly be.

First of all, this was another gem I discovered at the Asian Market. This was tucked away by the cash register like where you would find the gum or tabloid magazines at any local American grocery store. It was just so weird that I HAD to pick it up. Let's just do a top ten list of things I've noticed or picked up on just by looking at this box - 

1. On the front of the box alone, the word sweet is used four times; twice in just the name of the product.

2. I didn't know green pumpkins existed. I know they're green as they're ripening, but this photo shows like an entire orchard of green pumpkins.

3. Do pumpkins have jelly?

4. Are sweet pumpkins a thing?

5. The box also says: Sweet Pumpkins 24%. Good? Bad? 

6. Ingredients claim to be pesticide free. Good? Bad?

7. Box claims to be both 20% soybean AND 100% soybean. Huh?

8. 18.8% Rice Syrup. Seems highly specific

9. It expired in January.

10. What the hell is wrong with me?

I open the box of mystery and it appears to be a golden tube of tooth paste. I don't see any discernible way to open this except to get some scissors out and stab open this old the old fashion way.

And there it is - Sweet Jelly of Sweet Pumpkin in all it's glory. It's gelatinous, sticky and smells like malted barley. Let's take a big bite and regret it instantly shall we? 

I honestly don't know what to compare it to. Now I'm wishing I did some research. It's like a gooey, malted, bitter pumpkin with semi-sweet tapioca. Do I like it? I just...don't know. I'm going to need at least three days and seven bathroom breaks to really make a decision on this one. One thing's for sure - that's enough May pumpkins for awhile.

MAYrathon Day 8: Pumpkin Pie Soda

It's Mother's Day. If you haven't already, get off your ass, stop reading my stupid words and go call your mom! We all have certain things that make us think of our moms and many of us can equate certain scents to growing up. My mom is a barber so whenever I smell certain hair products, I am immediately transported back to being a nine year old kid watching TV while my mom was cutting hair in the basement. Another is smelling certain foods cooking in the kitchen as I desperately waited to hear my mom yell up, "come wash your hands." That always meant dinner was ready, and it was almost always delicious. One of my favorite things to eat, for dessert anyway, was pumpkin pie. So what better way to honor 33 years of having the best mom ever than to suck down some pumpkin pie soda.

I'm no stranger to pumpkin pie, pumpkin flavored things OR Jones Soda. I've reviewed several different pumpkin flavored drinks and beers in the past, but this is the first time I've tried something that claims to be pumpkin PIE flavored. And I trust Jones soda as a brand; they've never been anything but straight shooters in my book. About a year ago, I did a review on Jones Soda PB&J flavor and by golly, it tasted just like a PB&J sandwich. Even back in the early 2000s when Jones would put out their holiday gift packs, no matter what the flavor: turkey, green bean casserole, creamed corn, etc - it tasted exactly like what it claimed to be - for better or for worse. I wish I could get my hand on some of those old Holiday Packs, but even my iron stomach probably couldn't handle fifteen year old Smoked Salmon Pate Soda. 

Alright I'm excited; no more yapping. I break open the seal and it smells just like a pumpkin pie. Like the spices are just perfect. The taste is spot on too. I mainly taste the nutmeg and cinnamon over the actual pumpkin, but for a soda trying to be a solid food, it doesn't get much better than this. I'm going to finish this whole thing and then call my mom! 

It's Halloween - Pete's Pumpkin Patch Soda

I think we all knew this was coming eventually. But what about part two of the Pumpkin Beer collection? "You promised us more pumpkin beers!!!" Well here's a recap: They were sweet, tasted vaguely of pumpkin and were all pretty crappy. I realized that after the first three, I didn't have much to say about the other three, plus it's the last day in October, and I wanted to end with this one.

It's weird that with the influx of pumpkin flavored everything that's sprung up over the past decade, that there haven't been a plethora of pumpkin sodas. In fact, this is the only one I've ever come across before, and it's not made by a mass distributor either. It's just produced by a guy named Pete at some shady farm in Camarillo, California. The website is plastered on the bottle, but when I went to visit the site (it looks like it was made by a twelve year old on Geocities in 2002), it mentioned nothing about the soda whatsoever. There's a few pictures, a broken map and info about field trips and a hayride - whoopty shit.           www.petespumpkinpatch.com 

Totally safe here. Murder free since September.

Let's check the comments section. Maybe folks who have visited Pete's have something to say about his soda. 

Mmmm kay...

Well it looks like I'm on my own here, so let's give it a whirl. My first observation is that it's definitely orange. So they got the color right. I snap it open and give it a quick sniff. All I smell really is a mild brown sugar. Let's see what Pete cooked up on his death ranch and give this a taste. 

It's a lot milder than I expected. Very lightly carbonated and extremely light on the pumpkin flavor. But on the flip side, it's more of the taste of actual pumpkin than the beers and coffees I've tried. It doesn't taste like fake pumpkin flavoring. The more I try it, it actually tastes like an orange pop with cinnamon flavoring added. I don't hate this one. Looks like I get to end October with a treat instead of a trick. Maybe I'll head out to California and congratulate Pete on a job well done.

No one can hear you scream out here

October Soda Soiree Part Two: Pumpkin Beers (one of two)

What's all the hype surrounding pumpkin flavored stuff in October? Do we really like it or are we preconditioned to look forward to it because we don't get it year round? McDonald's just started doing all day breakfast, and I have a feeling it's going to be a flop. If things are readily available to us at all times, we take them for granted and don't really care. When was the last time anyone just HAD to have a Sprite? We know it's there, and it's not going anywhere so who gives a turkey? But as a society, we are obsessed with pumpkin flavoring around this time of year, especially pumpkin flavored beers. But are they really all that tasty? Well, I went to my local Binny's and grabbed six pumpkin beers and gave them a try in the name of science and not acute alcoholism. Below are my honest opinions. As an addendum, I went for ones I had never tried before so most of the popular, mainstream beers won't make an appearance here.

#1 - Tyranea Brewing Co. - Painted Ladies Pumpkin Spice Ale
Here's what the bottle says: “The Painted Ladies Annual Fling celebrates the Renaissance of downtown Lake Mills (WI). Although named for the restoration of many Victorian storefronts, some of the more adventurous women-folk added a playful twist and dressed up as, well, painted ladies. Inspired by these bold and spicy women, we brewed Painted Ladies, a pumpkin and spice-infused, amber ale. This fall, make sure you enjoy a fling with a few painted ladies."

Painted Ladies...Isn't that a fancy word for prostitute? Is this hooker beer? Is Tyranea telling me to go meet a hooker? Well I appreciate the sage advice and all, but I’m here to try your pumpkin beer...but maybe after?

I've never heard of this beer company. I went on their website to see if I had heard of any of their beers and I have not, but they seem to have a pretty big following. It’s funny that all these pumpkin beers are pumpkin flavored with other spices, but they rarely tell you what exact spices they use. Tarragon? Garlic? Wattleseed?

It has that distinct pumpkin smell, but not as sweet as others I’ve sniffed in the past.

And the flavor matches the smell, definitely not as sweet as the average pumpkin beer. The pumpkin is very mild and the amber ale takes the lead while the pumpkin flavor rides shotgun. It’s also really flat. They really could have "painted" this up a little more. Get it!
Verdict: 2 out of 5 Gourds

#2 - Stevens Point Brewery - Limited Edition Harvest Craft Creations: Pumpkin Peach Flavored Ale. 

Try saying that ten times fast. This is one of two beers I picked up from the Harvest Craft Creations series. This one caught my eye because it’s taking the regular old pumpkin beer and adding peach juice to it; something I never would have thought of. This is another brewery out of Wisconsin, but this one I have heard of, and have enjoyed some of their beers in the past.

I give it a whiff and the pumpkin smell is strong. No real essence of peach, but maybe it’s in the taste. I give it a couple of sips and...it’s weird. A good weird I suppose, but weird just the same. It’s like pumpkin and peach are in a fight to the death but are evenly matched. I taste both flavors equally, but they don’t blend together. Try replacing Jelly with spaghetti sauce on your pasta. You taste them both, but God didn’t intend them to be buddies. Unique to say the least, but a one and done for me; I wouldn’t seek it out again.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 Gourds 

#3 - Wild Onion Brewing Company - Pumpkin Ale

Supposedly around since 1996, I have never heard of these guys and they’re based locally right out of Chicago.Nothing fancy here, simply a can with an angry looking pumpkin. Mild smell. Strong pumpkin taste, more than the others so far. Very light and easy drinking. Like a pumpkin infused PBR. Maybe because it’s in a can. Already getting a little sick of pumpkin, but this is probably the best one so far.

Verdict: 3.5 out of 5 Gourds

Alright, this is enough reading about my random pumpkin ramblings for today. I'll post part two later in the week. See you then.