Rocket Fizz: Peanut Butter Old Fashioned Soda

How can this go wrong? I love soda. I love peanut butter. This one should be a no-brainer. From the folks that brought me the terrible banana nut bread soda, Rocket Fizz is responsible for creating this peanut butter concoction. I don't get the "old fashioned" part of it though. Are they trying to say that back in the old soda shops of the 40s and 50s people would sit around indulging themselves in a Skippy soda? Or maybe it's supposed to remind you of a classic shake you could order at the sock hop? All I know is that I did some research on this one and NOBODY likes it. I couldn't find one positive review on it. Terrific.

Appearance:

Unlike the rest of Rocket Fizz's brands of soda, this one is pretty plain. I guess it's their attempt to make it look classic and old fashioned. It's brown like peanut butter so...that's something I guess, and it's made with pure cane sugar, 42 grams of it. And, not surprisingly, no nuts, peanuts, peanut butter, jelly, bread or any edible food product went into the making of this old-fashioned hell spawn.

Smell/First Sip:

So I was expecting an overwhelming smell of peanut butter and instead got...nothing? Not completely nothing, but it smells more like if someone was baking a peanut butter pie with their windows open...in

Cleveland. Strike two came when I poured some into a glass and instead of a thick, brown peanut buttery substance, it looked more like grapefruit juice. Time for a taste (sips). When you were a kid, did you ever try and make a sugar sandwich? I don't recommend it because it's way too sweet and stabs at your teeth. That's what this tastes like. Less peanut butter and more sugar-filled brass knuckles.

Drinkability:
I went for a few more sips and I'm actually reminded of those crappy unnamed Halloween peanut butter candies. You know, the ones that are always at the very bottom of your bag and are only eaten because it's February and your parents are threatening to throw them away. No one likes them. And no one likes this soda either. If you really hate one of your friends or family members, get this for them for Christmas, and then break the bottle over their head.

0 for 2 Rocket Fizz. You're bacon soda better be awesome.

Rocket Fizz: Banana Nut Soda (Video Review)

Matt and Adam try their first attempt at a video review. 

Kickapoo Joy Juice

I was immediately drawn in by the name of this beverage – Kickapoo Joy Juice. At first I thought maybe it was a tie-in to the failed Tenacious D film where Jack Black's character sings about being from Kickapoo with Meatloaf and Dio (This Song), but I did a little research and found that it is a tie-in, but to Lil' Abner, a popular comic strip from the 30s to the 50s. Huh? Let's take a look at sample of Lil' Abner.

LOL?

I don't get it either, but apparently the then-popular comic included two redneck poachers named (sigh) Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat, who were known for making their moonshine-like slurry known as Joy Juice. The creator of the comic strip, Andy Capp, also popular for making Andy Capp's Hot Fries, made a deal with a soft drink company instead of a liquor company, and the rest is history.

Appearance -

The bottle shows our good pals Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat (why is he lonesome when he's got Joe by his side?) toasting to another fine batch of Kickapoo Joy Juice. Great work fellas. They also inform us that this is the “Original Dogpatch Recipe.” Thank God because nothing gets my goat worse than a bunch of Dogpatch phonies trying to make a profit off us rubes. Finally, instead of an expiration date like all beverages are required to have (they've been making this since 1965, so I have no idea how old this actually is), there's a simple message explaining that “Kickapoo is Good 4 U.” Bad grammar and, at 45g sugar per bottle, an outright lie. Don't try to pull the wool over my face, Mr. Abner.

Smell/First Sip -

Smells like Mello Yello or Mountain Dew. Something tells me that's what it's going to taste like. (sips) Even

better/worse: it tastes like one of those grocery store knockoff brands of Mountain Dew that just didn't quite get the recipe right. Like my favorite knock-off: Mountain Holler. Sure they tried to get the formula right, but it's just not up to par with the original. I have a few more sips and notice a very low carbonation and almost metallic taste. If cheap were a taste, this would taste cheap.

Drinkability -

The novelty of it is fun. It's got a silly name, two rednecks toasting on the bottle and could be a great collector's item for all you Lil' Abner fans (anyone? anyone?), but in the world of delicious Mountain Dew available at pretty much every store in America, why would I go out of my way to search for a lesser-quality Dew knockoff? Sorry Kickapoo, you're neither a joy nor a juice.

Overall – Kickapoo is a one and done for me...until they perfect their dogpatch formula.   

Soda Shaq: Strawberry Cream Soda

7-11 And Shaq are currently in the midst of a marketing campaign with Arizona Iced Tea, bringing us the Soda Shaq. Four cream sodas that will likely last as long as Hulk Hogan's Pastamania. 

I get the draw. Shaq is a popular big man, and Arizona is known for their big 99 cent cans of  kinda-sorta tea (Is there no cent symbol on a keyboard? Am I just stupid and can't find it?) And 7-11 is not shy in marketing these monstrosities: the floors, doors and ceilings are covered with promotion for Shaq's latest in his quest to have more money than Uruguay. But regardless of over-marketing and the “Shaqtimidation” that forces a regular schlub like me into having to try one, the question remains, how does it taste?

Appearance - I went with the strawberry flavor over the blueberry, vanilla and orange options. I had already tried orange and hated it, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. The can is huge, the same size as the rest of Arizona's value brand cans, and is adorned with useless Shaq facts such as his shoe size and field goal percentage. The can also lets you know over and over that is in All Natural. Using such delicious natural ingredients as natural strawberry flavor, honey and vegetable juice. Because when I think strawberry, I think radishes.

Value – 

A large 23.5 oz can with everyone's favorite video game hero, Shaq-Fu, for only 99 cents is a pretty

great deal. Without having tried it, I definitely don't think it was a waste of money for this much soda.

Smell/First Sip -

What the hell am I drinking? Is this strawberry milk soda? Is this Faygo Red Pop mixed with dairy creamer? Is this Fruity milk cola? I don't know how to describe it other than – milky. It actually smells quite a bit like strawberry, but the last thing I want in my soda is fizzy cream.

Drinkability -

There's...so...much...soda. Every time I go for another sip of this Goliath can, it feels like I haven't even made a dent towards finishing it. It's just sitting here with the stupid photo of Shaq sticking his tongue out at me; a perfect analogy for how anyone would feel trying to finish this creamed concoction of crap (Alliteration = three points!). And it gets worse too because as the can gets warmer, the milky flavor starts to overpower the strawberry, making it taste like fruity pebbles milk after sitting out for six hours on the surface of the sun.

Chance of Re-drinking - 

Zero. I already had two of the four flavors and have yet to be impressed. The remaining flavors are vanilla and blueberry. I hate blueberry flavoring, and I can't imagine the vanilla will taste like anything other than bubbly cheap ice cream. It's July right now. If this crap is still for sale in September, then I will force myself to try the other two, but the good money says I'll be free and clear of that bet.

So overall, Soda Shaq Strawberry Cream Soda was a dud. I hope you guys enjoyed my little rant; coming up next, Blue Moon attempts to sell me their Brewmaster's collection. I'll be the judge of that, “Master.”