Ranch Dressing and Buffalo Wing Soda

   

Well it's Superbowl weekend (almost) and that means it's time to chow down on some party time favorites. Nothing says football party like some hot buffalo wings and some creamy ranch dressing to dip them in; I'm drooling just thinking about it. But the problem is that us folks at the Beverage Shack (it's really just me and a lamp I sometimes talk to) are on a liquid only diet. Oh what to do? What to do? Thankfully a psychopath named Lester has invented Buffalo Wing and Ranch Dressing Soda! I've covered my face in permanent marker that probably won't come off and is starting to make me feel woozy so...let's make some bad decisions!!!!

First up is the Ranch Dressing Soda. Now I've tried a lot of crazy things during my tenure as the world's greatest soda reviewer in America (citation needed), but this may be the strangest. Will I be happy or sad that it tastes like Ranch? Is it going to be sweet? Sour? Deadly? I have no idea, but I'm going for it. The color is a cloudy-clear; probably as close to white as a soda can be without being milk. There's also only six ingredients: carbonated water, sugar, sodium benzoate, gum acacia, natural flavor and ester gum. I wish I had a bottle or real ranch to compare flavors, but I can infer that none of the ingredients would add up. OK enough stalling, let's crack it open. 

It smells so bad!!!! Like a combination of rusty metal and tomatoes. This is going to be a real treat I can tell. (bottoms up). You know what it tastes like? Rusty metal and tomatoes. This might be the single worst thing I've ever put in my mouth...and I lived through the 90s! One sip is all I can do. It probably doesn't help that it's like a year old, but I can't imagine a fresh bottle tasting any better. I'm going to go get my vomit bucket just in case!

After that unsettling experience, I am soldiering on to the Buffalo Wing Soda. For some odd reason, this one isn't as daunting to me as the ranch dressing. Maybe because condiments by themselves are never good, and plus I love wings. There's only one issue with this one - it seems to have grown a friend at the bottom of the glass. Now I can hear most of you saying, "Matty, why the hell would you drink that? You might get sick!" To which I reply, it's Superbowl weekend and tomorrow's Friday - I smell a sick day!!!!!

I crack this one open right away and it smells like...orange pop. It's weird because that's the color it seems to represent as well. So what does it taste like (takes a cautious, vomit-ready sip). Orange pop. Seriously. I think it's so expired that the sugars broke down whatever flavor it was supposed to be originally. That or Lester is a crafty SOB and just slapped on a Buffalo Wing label on a bottle of Fanta. Either way, my stomach now hates me and this crap on my face is starting to burn. Enjoy the Superbowl everyone - Go Local Sports Team! 

Milo: Chocolate Nutritional Energy Drink

Well...this one's been in my fridge for months and it about to expire, so what the hell? It's Milo time. (Get it? Like Miller Time? Get it?). At first I thought this was a celebrity endorsed beverage by some famous soccer player named Milo, but I was terribly wrong. It's an amalgamation of different countries that you rarely hear together in a conversation. It originated in Australia in the 1930s as a powdered product, is distributed in energy drink form by the American company, Nestle, is manufactured in Malaysia, is most popular in Singapore, and was found in the Mexican section of my local grocery store. Dear God, Milo - how many cultures put their blood, sweat and tears into making this can just so a fat, white kid can make fun of it?

Appearance:
Milo is still mostly consumed around the world in its powdered form (much like Nestle Quick), but we're lucky enough here in the states to enjoy the green 8oz can of pure milk juice. The fancy can also features not famous not soccer player, Milo celebrating his huge milk drinking victory. I looked on Wikipedia to see how it was made, but it was quite literally an entire essay of information including words like hygroscopic, theobromine, and thick opaque syrup obtained from malted wheat barley. Yep. On second thought, I don't need to know how it's made. Let's drink.



Smell/First Sip:
I crack it open and DAMMIT, I forgot to shake well! If it sucks, it's on me this time. It smells a lot like Nestle Quick. And seeing as it's made from the same company, it's probably the exact same thing with caffeine. (here goes) It's quite chocolaty and is quite a bit thicker than I imagined it would be. The best thing I can compare it to would be if you leave your chocolate ice cream out in the sun and try and sip up the soupy remains. It's tasty, but I still don't feel like playing soccer.

Drinkability:
It's been around since the 30s, so who am I to judge? But I definitely think it's strangely marketed. This is a tasty chocolate drink more akin to being the awesome thing the cool kid sneaks over at a sleepover for eight year olds. When I was a kid and my friends and I would create our own energy drinks to stay up, it would usually end up tasting something like this. I certainly don't see a fit athlete swiggin' some Milo and then scoring the winning soccer goal, but who knows, maybe things are different in Singapore/Australia/Malaysia/Mexico. Who am I to say?

Overall: 
It's no thirst quencher, but I like the taste. Now that I've had my Milo, I'm off to play some soccer with the Quick Bunny and Stuart Little. Until next time friends.