Pennywort Drink

Yep. Pennywort. Not recognized by spell check. Not recognized by any human being I've ever met. It's time to reach into my box of Asian drinks I bought online for a surprisingly reasonable/this will likely kill me price and drink some pennywort. What the hell even IS a pennywort? It sounds like it's either a concoction made by some 80s movie about witches having their revenge against a scorned lover, or the location of a corner convenience store. "Honey, I need to get some dog food, blanket, summer sausages and a rake, so I'm gonna walk down to Pennywort's; they always have the best deals." 

Let's access the power of the internet and see what I'm getting into before I drink this dented can from Asia that only costed me ninety cents...

Apparently the pennywort is a perrential herb (weed) that grown in moist areas. So...marijuana??? It's most common in parts of Asia, Northern Australia, India and Sri Lanka, and has been used for centuries as a medicinal property in those countries, including a remedy to help encourage lactation -  which means I'm in for a fun and confusing morning tomorrow. Everything I researched about Pennywort mentions some old folktale about an Asian Tai-Chi master, Li Ching-Yun, who lived to be 256 years old due to his daily consumption of Pennywort; he sounds like a dick and a liar if you ask me. Finally, I'm being told that Pennywort could have side effects, and I should contact my doctor before introducing it to my regular diet or if I'm pregnant. Which confused me because of the lactation and whatnot. 

Alright, but what can I learn about the Pennywort drink I hold in my hand right now? Besides being extremely dented, I am told that the ingredients are simply: water, Pennywort leaves extract (40%), sugar and citric acid, and it is a product of Thailand. I'm also told to shake well before use. Since I have no idea what to expect with this drink, I feel like this is one of the beverages where I need to pour it into a glass before consuming. Be right back!

Ugh...It looks and smells like the time I drank that celery extract. It claims there's sugar in here, but it just smells like a root vegetable and nothing else. Even Indiana Jones Kermit thinks it's TOO green. OK, I've rambled on long enough, let's give give it a taste. 

It actually IS sweeter than I had anticipated, but it's just so...Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yea. I don't know how else to describe it. As a kid, my parents had a timeshare in Myrtle Beach and we'd spend a lot of time there. Drinking this instantly brought my olfactory/taste senses to that location. I don't know if it's the swamps, oceans, seaweed, low altitudes or my current lactation tendencies, but I can't really come up with a better explanation. Pennywort tastes like Myrtle Beach. This is the oddest comparison I've ever made, but there we have it. Goodnight! 

Cake Sodas

You know what they say, "you can have your cake and DRINK it too." Yay! Starting with a terrible joke/pun for this review. Well...goodnight folks!

Oh, I should probably try the sodas too. Today I have two sodas based on cake. One I feel like is going to be awesome, while the other one scares the crap out of me. Let's go with the, hopefully, tasty one first.

Jones: Birthday Cake Soda
I've said this many times before - Jones Soda has never done me wrong. Never. I've already reviewed PB&J and Pumpkin Pie flavors and they tasted exactly like what they claimed to be. Even their weird holiday flavors from the past like Turkey and Mashed Potatoes did indeed live up to the hype. So I feel like I know what I'm getting myself into here, and I'm excited. You may notice I have two in the photo above. Well one is for consuming, while the other is to live forever on display because it is the greatest photo of all time. It's my best friend's marching band photo from high school, and I've been obsessed with it since I took it from his room before he left for college fifteen years ago. I still have the original copy on my fridge and it's just the greatest, nerdiest photo of all time. For his birthday this summer, I made him personalized Jones Soda with that photo on it, but I had one stipulation that I got to keep one bottle. I spend hours per day worshiping and mocking that saxophone playing, goofy faced bastard.

But now onto the one I'll drink! There's a cute photo of a hedgehog next to a cupcake, and Jones informs us that it's their official 20th birthday; they've been independent since '96. Good for you, Jones. Ingredients has the standard artificial flavors, sodium benzoate, and INVERTED cane sugar. This soda's got an innie. (how do you spell that)? I'm excited to try it, so lets go, toot sweet. Twist open the bottle and to my delight, it smells just like a cake. The inside of the cap also informs me that I should, "drive more slowly." But if I want to write a blog while going 90 in front of a daycare, then you can't stop me, Jones! BAHAHAHAHA. And the taste is......CAKE! More specifically vanilla icing and frosting. Even the aftertaste is distinctly cake. I really recommend you all seek this one out. If you love Cold Stone's cake flavored ice cream, or...just...like...cake, then you'll love this. Huzzah for Jones!

Abita - King Cake Soda

Come again now? King Cake Soda? What the hell is a king cake? The picture on the bottle looks like a snake's head was cut off and served on a platter made with "pure Louisiana Cane Sugar." I did some Google Image searching and it looks like Oompa Loompa fecal surprise with beads from...well never mind where they came from. Almost every photo also seems too have a little naked baby hidden in the cake. What...the...hell? This comes to us from the Abita Brewing Company in Louisiana. They're most known for their popular line of beers such as Abita Gold and Purple Haze. Let's see what their official website has to say about King Cake Soda. "All the goodness of King Cake - in an all-natural soda. Celebrate the sweetest treat of Carnival season with the flavors of frosting, candied sugar and cinnamon dough in this lightly carbonated soda. Made with pure Louisiana cane sugar and artesian spring water, and naturally caffeine-free."

Am I supposed to know what this cake is? The description makes me feel like I'm supposed to know what this is. This soda, which also claims to be gluten free contains actual cinnamon as one of the ingredients. But you know what, naked-baby-fecal-wonka-bead cake is too weird for me. Oh, I'll drink it, but I am not putting an ounce of research into what this cake actually is or why it's associated with a naked baby. I am going to spend the rest of my life being ignorant to what this cake actually is. If anyone ever tries to tell me about it, I will run (ok...waddle at mediocre speeds) in the other direction. I shall NEVER taste a king cake so long as I live!

So, let's taste some king cake soda. It smells like a mix between a churro and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And it tastes like cinnamon and butter. (glug) Very sweet, but not artificial tasting. It has a true dessert taste to it. I'm pleasantly surprised by this. If you've ever wanted to blend some cinnamon toast and a stick of butter, than this is the treat for you. And no naked babies in the soda version of King Cake!

Never Forget...

Labor Day: Dirt and Grass Soda

What a great weekend. I had four days off. My best friend got married. And I got to catch up with a lot of old friends. I figured what better way to top off a great weekend then to indulge in some new sodas. And since it's Labor Day, why not really get down and dirty and pay respect to the hard work our ancestors put in to make this country great. Why not take the time to consume some good old American soil, and not in the figurative sense either. I have today two flavors of soda I have definitely never tried before - dirt and grass, from the always creative and masochistic folks at Rocket Fizz. When I first picked these up, I thought it was just going to be a clever title for some chocolate and sour apple soda, but I watched a few videos of other people trying them and nope..it's dirt and grass flavored soda. Why? Because there's idiots like me in the world who will pay money to drink something that tastes like the ground. So let's get to it.

Dirt Soda

Right underneath the label of Dirt Soda it says "Shoveled and Bottled in the USA." Creative. The background photo is just a picture of dirt and it also claims to have pure cane sugar. I don't know if adding sugar to dirt makes it better or worse. Luckily the ingredients are just the standard soda stuff and no actual dirt has been added to the concoction. I imagine this is just like how they make those Bean Boozled jelly beans or the Harry Potter ones from a few years back. The color is a cloudy brown like a backed up RV toilet. There wasn't a single review or video that I saw where someone actually liked this, so I know I'm in for a treat. I hope I become the one person in the world who enjoys drinking dirt. (ladies). I crack open the bottle and go in for a big sniff. There really is an authentic mud smell to it with a hint of copper as well. Alright, bottoms up, America. Well that's.........dirt. It is legitimately a sweet tasting bottle of dirt. The aftertaste is 100% essence of ground. This is terrible, but I have to give them credit for truth in advertising. Even with my iron stomach, two sips is the best I can do. The taste won't go away; hopefully some grass will make it better. 

Grass Soda

This ultra-bright green soda claims to be Mowed and Bottled in the USA. There's grass clippings all over the label and, like Dirt, advertises its Pure Cane Sugar. Both flavors are pretty much made up of the same "natural" and "artificial" ingredients, with the Grass Soda including some extra food dyes. It's really deceiving my eyes because on the outside, it looks like a delicious Jones Green Apple Soda. Bottle is opened and I'm going for a sniff. Alright this is ridiculous. It smells just like lawn clippings. I am immediately transported to childhood and riding with my dad on the lawnmower. Who thinks of this stuff? I don't know if I've ever tasted grass in real life, so I'm not sure how to compare it, but here goes nothing. (tentative gulp). This one is a bit sweeter, and it definitely has a grassy flavor to it, but it's a lot fresher tasting than the dirt. I don't actually hate this. The best thing I could come up with to compare it to would be a banana peel. Or cucumber rinds. There's something so familiar to it, but I can't quite put my green thumb on it. I think I actually kinda like it. I probably need psychiatric help. 

Combo

Alright, just for kicks, I'm going to combine the two in a glass and give it a shot. After all, you can't have grass without soil. AMERICA. Mixing them together creates a lighter brown color with much heavier carbonation that drinking either separate. The soil still dominates the old olfactory sense. Let's taste...The Grass actually subdues the overpowering Dirt taste but only slightly. It's still pretty terrible. Well, I can check Grass and Dirt off my bucket list. Oddly enough, I still have another drink based on a non-edible element that I'll be trying soon. Until then, my burps taste like muddy water.