Kickapoo Joy Juice

I was immediately drawn in by the name of this beverage – Kickapoo Joy Juice. At first I thought maybe it was a tie-in to the failed Tenacious D film where Jack Black's character sings about being from Kickapoo with Meatloaf and Dio (This Song), but I did a little research and found that it is a tie-in, but to Lil' Abner, a popular comic strip from the 30s to the 50s. Huh? Let's take a look at sample of Lil' Abner.

LOL?

I don't get it either, but apparently the then-popular comic included two redneck poachers named (sigh) Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat, who were known for making their moonshine-like slurry known as Joy Juice. The creator of the comic strip, Andy Capp, also popular for making Andy Capp's Hot Fries, made a deal with a soft drink company instead of a liquor company, and the rest is history.

Appearance -

The bottle shows our good pals Hairless Joe and Lonesome Polecat (why is he lonesome when he's got Joe by his side?) toasting to another fine batch of Kickapoo Joy Juice. Great work fellas. They also inform us that this is the “Original Dogpatch Recipe.” Thank God because nothing gets my goat worse than a bunch of Dogpatch phonies trying to make a profit off us rubes. Finally, instead of an expiration date like all beverages are required to have (they've been making this since 1965, so I have no idea how old this actually is), there's a simple message explaining that “Kickapoo is Good 4 U.” Bad grammar and, at 45g sugar per bottle, an outright lie. Don't try to pull the wool over my face, Mr. Abner.

Smell/First Sip -

Smells like Mello Yello or Mountain Dew. Something tells me that's what it's going to taste like. (sips) Even

better/worse: it tastes like one of those grocery store knockoff brands of Mountain Dew that just didn't quite get the recipe right. Like my favorite knock-off: Mountain Holler. Sure they tried to get the formula right, but it's just not up to par with the original. I have a few more sips and notice a very low carbonation and almost metallic taste. If cheap were a taste, this would taste cheap.

Drinkability -

The novelty of it is fun. It's got a silly name, two rednecks toasting on the bottle and could be a great collector's item for all you Lil' Abner fans (anyone? anyone?), but in the world of delicious Mountain Dew available at pretty much every store in America, why would I go out of my way to search for a lesser-quality Dew knockoff? Sorry Kickapoo, you're neither a joy nor a juice.

Overall – Kickapoo is a one and done for me...until they perfect their dogpatch formula.   

Vacation Edition Twofer - "Lychee Flavour" and "Milk Drink" Chinese Drinks

Well, I'm back from my Disney vacation in Florida and brought a few gems back to Chicago. For those of you who don't know about Epcot, they have what is called the World Showcase which is a representation of eleven different countries that include authentic food, drinks, decor and even employees from the country being represented. In China, I came across a beverage case and picked out two drinks that caught my eye.  

Lychee Flavour Aerated Water

The first drink that grabbed me was the lychee water. Here's my known history of lychee. I thought it was a booze, like Bacardi or Sake. On my 30th birthday, my parents got a bottle of it and we all did a celebratory drink before going to the Pistons game. I remember it tasting mildly like grapefruit, and it was quite tasty. That's all I knew. But apparently, it's a fruit/plant grown exclusively in various Asian countries. So let's see if lychee is tasty (Rhyming!).

Appearance - 

What actually drew me to this particular drink was how it looked. It's all plastic, but has the top of a soda can and the bottom of a water bottle. Pretty clever China. The bottle also depicts a picture of what I assume is a lychee. Spell check doesn't even recognize this word, so I don't know what the hell I'm getting myself into. 

Smell/First Sip - 

It smells very fresh and fruity with a floral undertone. Let's give it a sip. Not bad. It's essentially grapefruit juice without the sour afterburn. It's really fruity, and tastes more like juice than flavored water. 

Drinkability - Not much to say on this really. It's tasty. I would certainly get this again if I ever come across it, but it's pretty rare in the states and I wouldn't go out of my way to search it out. Overall - Well done, China.

"Milk Drink"

I've been kind of dreading this one. For one thing, I can find almost no information online about Mr. Smiling Asian boy, the Golden Fortune beverage company or his Milk Drink and two, it traveled around the US in a room temperature suitcase for a few days and then was re-refrigerated. It's made from milk powder (imported from New Zealand apparently), and not real dairy, so I think I'll live. If not, please call me an ambulance. On the distributor's website, it's listed in the dried foods category, not as a beverage.  

Appearance - 

The appearance is what drove me to buy this one. Look at that chubby-cheeked bastard. How could you say no to his milk drink? And I'm not just being lazy with giving you the details, that's all the can says about it - Milk Drink. I assume the Asian lettering has something to do with fat Americans and Jackie Chan.

Smell/First Sip - 

Well...it doesn't smell like milk. Not that I'm overly surprised. The best I can compare the smell to would be like a Yoo-Hoo drink. I notice the color is a little off, so I'm going to pour it into a glass before consuming

this crap. The camera really doesn't do it justice, but it's a lot darker than regular milk and with a thicker consistency. Almost like a vanilla malt form Big Boy. Here goes nothing...nope, not milk, not even close. You fail smiling Chinese boy. You just sold me a can of sweetened breast milk didn't you?

Drinkability - 
It's literally the sweetest beverage I've ever drank, and it's supposed to be milk. There's 25 grams of sugar...in this "Milk!" My teeth are actually begging for a can of coke right now to wash away the sugar! If I was able to find any info on this, I'm guessing it would say use one teaspoon when making a cake for the entire Chinese army. I hate you Milk Drink; I hate you so much.

That's it for today, coming up next, one I've been looking forward to trying for a long time - Kickapoo Joy Juice!

Blue Moon: Brewmaster's Seasonal Sampler

Chock full of adjectives making me feel like I've purchased some truly premium spirits, and at almost twenty bucks a case, it better taste like a party in my mouth. I'm used to spending eight dollars on some PBR and settling for a mild hootenanny in my mouth, so this stuff better be worth the price of admission!

Five flavors that includes the traditional Blue Moon which I won't be wasting my time reviewing since it is not unique nor interesting – it's yeasty, orangey and gives you a headache if you drink more than two...what else can I tell you?

Beer 1 – Short Straw Farmhouse Red Ale

Description on Bottle -

“An intriguing interpretation of a Farmhouse Ale blended with a Flanders Red, with hints of white pepper and a tart finish.”  

+ + = ?

The Taste -

Upon first sip, all I really tasted was a tinny rust flavor common with a lot of red ales. I gave it a few more sips and still found  the after-taste to be the most prominent feature. I didn't hate it, but I certainly didn't taste any Ned Flanders/Sweet Tart awesomeness. It's a decent beer for what it is, and would probably taste good sitting around a campfire with a hot dog or bailing hay on a farm I guess.

Overall – 2.5/5

Beer 2 – (Limited Release) Blackberry Tart Ale

Description on Bottle –

“This deep-amber colored ale is crafted with a bounty of blackberries for a hint of tartness balances with a smooth malt finish.” There's a joke somewhere there involving a bounty hunter and malt liquor, but I just don't have it right now.

The Taste -

The first sip left me wondering – where the hell are the blackberries? Blue Moon is known as being a pretty refreshing and fruity beer, so I figured an ale advertising its tartness and “bounty” of blackberries would have a crisp, fruity taste. I tried a few more sips, and while there is a subtle berry flavor, it's almost too subtle. It honestly tastes like nothing. Nothing but a shitty beer.

Overall – 0.5/5 (It only gets the 0.5 for the hilarious bounty hunter joke I have yet to make, but I'm sure it will be a knee slapper).

Beer 3 – Rounder: Belgian-Style Ale

Description on Bottle –

“Our Brewmaster's expression of a Belgian-style Pale Ale, crafted with a twist of hibiscus and orange peel for a rounder taste.” Tastes like Matt Damon's leftover oranges? What the hell's a Rounder beer? I'm sitting at my computer right now but...too lazy to look it up. I'm just going to assume it's based on this movie. 

The Taste -

Before going into the first sip, I will admit that I am not fond of Belgian beers for the most part, but I do really like Pale Ales, so this one is going to be a crap shoot. (Takes a guzzle). You know what, this is pretty good. Unlike that blackberry pile of lies, I can actually taste the orange and hibiscus and it's a really refreshing summer brew. I think I finally found a winner in this Blue Moon Pack.

Overall – 4/5 Like regular Blue Moon, it's tasty, but I can't see myself having more than two in an evening.

Beer 4 – Blue Moon: Agave Nectar Ale

Description on Bottle –

“This blonde wheat ale is crafted with agave nectar for a subtle sweetness and a balanced taste.” Man, you Blue Moon folks love using the word subtle. I've actually seen this particular beer in stores before, but have never tried it. The only thing I know about agave is that it's a main ingredient in tequila, so how can you go wrong?

The Taste -

After the first sip, I kept hoping to taste...something. I was thinking maybe a little citrus or sweetness, but just like the blackberry beer, it just tastes like nothing. If you put this beer and a regular old Miller Light in front of me, I don't know how easily I could tell the difference (that's probably an exaggeration, but you get my drift). This is one of their more popular beers so maybe I'm just crazy, but it just doesn't do anything for me.

Overall – 2/5 It's a good tasting beer, but nothing special.

So that's the Brewmaster's Summer Seasonal Collection. It wasn't the worst beers I've ever had (South Paw beer still holds that honor), but it's really nothing special and not worth almost twenty bucks for a bunch of just OK beers.

See ya next time!

Soda Shaq: Strawberry Cream Soda

7-11 And Shaq are currently in the midst of a marketing campaign with Arizona Iced Tea, bringing us the Soda Shaq. Four cream sodas that will likely last as long as Hulk Hogan's Pastamania. 

I get the draw. Shaq is a popular big man, and Arizona is known for their big 99 cent cans of  kinda-sorta tea (Is there no cent symbol on a keyboard? Am I just stupid and can't find it?) And 7-11 is not shy in marketing these monstrosities: the floors, doors and ceilings are covered with promotion for Shaq's latest in his quest to have more money than Uruguay. But regardless of over-marketing and the “Shaqtimidation” that forces a regular schlub like me into having to try one, the question remains, how does it taste?

Appearance - I went with the strawberry flavor over the blueberry, vanilla and orange options. I had already tried orange and hated it, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. The can is huge, the same size as the rest of Arizona's value brand cans, and is adorned with useless Shaq facts such as his shoe size and field goal percentage. The can also lets you know over and over that is in All Natural. Using such delicious natural ingredients as natural strawberry flavor, honey and vegetable juice. Because when I think strawberry, I think radishes.

Value – 

A large 23.5 oz can with everyone's favorite video game hero, Shaq-Fu, for only 99 cents is a pretty

great deal. Without having tried it, I definitely don't think it was a waste of money for this much soda.

Smell/First Sip -

What the hell am I drinking? Is this strawberry milk soda? Is this Faygo Red Pop mixed with dairy creamer? Is this Fruity milk cola? I don't know how to describe it other than – milky. It actually smells quite a bit like strawberry, but the last thing I want in my soda is fizzy cream.

Drinkability -

There's...so...much...soda. Every time I go for another sip of this Goliath can, it feels like I haven't even made a dent towards finishing it. It's just sitting here with the stupid photo of Shaq sticking his tongue out at me; a perfect analogy for how anyone would feel trying to finish this creamed concoction of crap (Alliteration = three points!). And it gets worse too because as the can gets warmer, the milky flavor starts to overpower the strawberry, making it taste like fruity pebbles milk after sitting out for six hours on the surface of the sun.

Chance of Re-drinking - 

Zero. I already had two of the four flavors and have yet to be impressed. The remaining flavors are vanilla and blueberry. I hate blueberry flavoring, and I can't imagine the vanilla will taste like anything other than bubbly cheap ice cream. It's July right now. If this crap is still for sale in September, then I will force myself to try the other two, but the good money says I'll be free and clear of that bet.

So overall, Soda Shaq Strawberry Cream Soda was a dud. I hope you guys enjoyed my little rant; coming up next, Blue Moon attempts to sell me their Brewmaster's collection. I'll be the judge of that, “Master.”

A Brief (and likely useless) Introduction

How the hell do I start this thing?

Hello and welcome to my new experiment that probably three of you will actually read! No that's too negative. Welcome everyone - I love you all so much! Nope too positive. I guess I'll start just by saying that I've always been obsessed with the new, rare and obscure when it comes to food and beverages. I was the first in line to try the now defunct Vault, Pepsi Summer Mix and even the terrible Coca Cola Blak. (I didn't spell it wrong, Coke did). I'm even currently a member of a group trying to bring the beloved Surge back to America.

Anyway, partially inspired by internet reviewer Brad Jones's "Brad Tries" segment on Cinemasnob.com, and my own penchant for having to try everything at least once, I bring to you Matty Mac's Beverage Shack, which is pretty much the lamest name ever but...shut up. There's no real schedule planned, but whenever I feel like it, I'll be trying a strange beverage and giving it my two cents. This could be the greatest thing the internet has ever been given or a complete and utter train wreck, but I'm up for the challenge. If you have any weird drinks (alcoholic or non) that you'd like me to try, let me know!

Stay tuned shortly for the first segment featuring quite possible the worst celebrity-beverage tie-in ever conceived by Arizona. Oh sorry, according to the can I'm holding in my hand, Shaqazona!