I've been sitting on this one for quite some time. I just never knew when the right occasion would be to pop open some meat soda. But now is as good a time as any. This is the Beefdrinker Teriyaki Beef Jerky Soda. Let's take a look at this messed up label first. It looks like the cow just shit out a piece of bee jerky, which really gets me in the mood to drink it! And the bottom of the label states: "For that deep Carnivore Thirst." Is there a such thing as a carnivore thirst? Is this a vampire soda? And if you look close, I mean really close, you can see what may be the most disturbing thing I've ever witnessed on a soda bottle. See if you can catch it...
That's right - farmer Asshole McBlurryface has taken a torture device, STABBED it into old Bessie the cow here, and he's siphoning off her essence of cow right into his soda. And then he's drinking cow-blood soda with a stupid grin on his face, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE VERY SAME COW! That's messed up, Beefdrinker.
Also, there's floaties in this one. But upon reading the ingredients, there does not seem to be any actual meat in there. So what's floating around in my bottle? Could it be the yucca exact? The 40g of carbohydrates? Let's be honest here - It's probably congealed cow blood.
Alright well, I crack it open and it smells exactly like beef jerky. That's both a welcoming and terrifying relief all at once. But what does it taste like?
It tastes like sugared teriyaki sauce with meat paste...which is to say, it tastes like the worst thing ever. I would drink 100 creamy melon milk pops before I had another sip of this salty meat sugar water. Going on record to say this is the worst soda I've ever had. -10000 out of 5 Santa hats. Where's my mouth wash?
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