Summer Detox - Turmeric and Birch Tree Juice

Well it's that time of year once again. Summer has come to an end and I need to wash away three months of bad decisions without doing any exercise or healthy eating. So I've turned to some "popular" health tonics guaranteed to make me feel like a million bucks: Organic Turmeric Drink, Organic Birch Tree Juice, and Pure, Cold Activated, Rocky Mountain Spring Water. By combining these three drinks in one sitting, I'm sure to go from sweaty schlub to...less sweaty schlub. Let's do it!

Organic Turmeric Drink: Original

I honestly have no idea what this is or what it's supposed to taste like. It's also worth noting that I got

this at a Detroit market at least two years ago, and it still doesn't expire until next October. That Turmeric is some resilient stuff. Now...I don't know what turmeric even is and I'm much too lazy to look it up, but there's a TON of information on the bottle. Let's give it a read. It starts by telling me that one bottle of this drink is roughly equal to 4500 mg of fresh turmeric based on curcumin levels. I asked my doctor how my curcimin level is currently (spellcheck doesn't even know this word), but he told me to get out of his house and stop looking at his daughter. I assume my curcumin level is pretty badass, but I could always use a boost. Then there's an entire paragraph on the bottle: "Organic Turmeric Drink - Original is a unique blend of turmeric beverage.(what?) The main ingredient of organic turmeric has healthy inflammation response and anti-oxidant properties. This yellow culinary root is widely used in southeast Asia and goes all the way back to ancient India. Turmeric can help increase the production of vital enzymes in the liver which eliminate toxins found in the body." This is EXACTLY what I need! Finally, It tells me that to promote absorption of nutrients, it includes 100 mg of black pepper extract and 50 mg of olive extract. Why? How? Why? There's no way this will taste good. I peel off the plastic, snap off the cap and give it a whiff.
I'm surprised to find it has a sweet smell. Well...let's get healthy. (first sip) This is a unique one. It tastes like green tea meets ginger ale without carbonation. It's very rooty tasting, but a lot more drinkable than I expected. It's a bright brown color and at the bottom of the glass sits a large ring of root sediment. I can already feel my raisin-sized liver growing back. That takes care of June!

Sealand Birk: Organic Birch Tree Juice (Ginger and Line)

Alright sins of July, time to wash you away too. With the most adjectives I've ever witnessed in one drink, it's Birch Tree Juice! Like the last one, it comes with a paragraph bragging about how great it is. "What is Natural Birch Juice? (I have a feeling you're about to tell me) Sealand Birk is organic juice tapped directly from the Birch tree in the early spring. The juice is a very refreshing, slightly sweet liquid, filtered through natural root system and gently pasteurized.(nice grammar, dick) The juice can be enjoyed as the natural taste (nice grammar, dick) or mixed with other natural flavors from Elder flower, Raspberry, Blueberry or Ginger/Lime."  I really wanted to try the original flavor, but I could only find the Ginger/Lime. Enough talk, let's do this BIRCHES! (get it?). I crack it open and it smells a lot like hand sanitizer. That's not a great sign. (first sip) I mean...I don't know how else to describe it other than it tastes like dirt. Sure they threw some ginger and lime flavorings in there but...it's mostly...dirt. You owe me big, liver! (bottoms up). Yea I got through about half the bottle before gagging. I'm sure that's good enough for my immune system.

Alright! I did a great job here and now I feel like I could slowly walk the mile in under 46 minutes! That'll beat my previous record by a week! Where did I put that Rocky Mountain Spring Water? I need to hydrate!

Future Wheaties Model

Revenge of the Ramune: Original and Hello Kitty

I've tackled the Ramune sodas twice before. They're the tiny glass bottles with a stupid marble floating around for no reason. However, in the past I went for the weirdest flavors I could find - teriyaki and kimchi. Both tasted like complete ass. But the truth is, Ramune sodas are very popular and can be found in just about any sushi restaurant in America, and they have a variety of normal flavors like melon, strawberry and octopus (seriously). So instead of tasting the ones that are no doubt going to taste awful, let's see where it all began with "original" flavor. Oh, and "Hello Kitty" flavor too just for kicks.

Original
What really spikes my curiosity on this one is that the flavor is actually called "original". It gives no indication of what that actually tastes like. I suppose it's like how coke is actually called Coca Cola Classic or something like that. And no, sangaria is not the flavor, that's the company that makes this. (That's not even how you spell sangria, idiot!) So I don't know what I'm getting into, but I'm just going to dive right in and give this a shot after reading the paragraph of instructions and warnings.




- okay, remove plastic wrapping - check
- plastic lid thing falls off desk and rolls under chair - check
- retrieve plastic lid thing and put back on top of plastic blue thing - check
- press down on plastic lid thing until it goes into plastic blue thing - check
- hurt thumb - check
- dumb marble is released for no reason and floating around in my drink looking to kill me - check
- try to fit giant plastic blue thing around my mouth to have a sip - check

Giant blue drink spout. (please no photo shopping)

Overall it's not bad. I'd say if you dipped a stick of cotton candy into a cream soda, that's about the
taste you get here. Very sweet, but I can see why kids like it so much even if it is basically impossible to open and drink. Decent stuff. I give it a 7/10.


Hello Kitty

So this is another one where no flavor is really indicated. It's simply called "Hello Kitty Ramune Soda with Marble." Why is that god damn marble such a selling point for these drinks? You can go to dollar general, get a three liter bottle of off-brand Dr. Pepper and a bag full of marbles for two bucks. Chuck 'em all in the bottle, shake 'em up, grab a friend and play a game I like to call Try to Live! The odd thing about this is that it's made by CTC Foods International, and not Sangaria, so it's a completely different Ramune soda company. This one must be the kings of the Ramune black market because they got the Hello Kitty licensing deal while the other company only got floating beach ball shells. But does it taste any different? Let's break another one of my thumbs and find out!
Short answer - nope. Long answer - nope but flatter. I was surprised this one was flatter seeing as it is advertised as being a carbonate soda. Yep - carbonate and not carbonated. This one gets a 6/10. Neither were that bad, but my teeth need a break. Next week - it's summer detox time.

So much needles waste...