Watermelon Flavored Sodas

I really need to clean out my fridge. I've just been picking up random sodas left and right, and with my giant box of Asian sodas in transit, I need to clear some space. Typically when I do reviews I'll try to have a theme like nostalgia, Asian or Piece of Shit, but they can't all be creative winners. So today, let's look at three beverages that are watermelon flavored...because why not.

Filbert's Old Time Quality Watermelon

What's a health inspector?

Ah, good old Filbert's. Who could forget the Old Time Quality taste you include in every tasty bottle. Why, we've been best pals since - June of 2016. Maybe even July. Yea, I had never heard of Filbert's Soda before, but apparently it's a Chicago staple since 1926. Much like Vernors is to Detroit, I guess Filbert's is a mainstay in the Chicago area; the picture to the right is an actual photo of their bottling machinery, apparently unchanged since the 20s. I came across this bottle at a brewery in the suburbs. I had never (to the best of my knowledge) actually tried a watermelon flavored soda, so I was intrigued and tantalized. And then it sat in my fridge forgotten for two months. Well I pulled it out recently and looked up the company. Though I've lived in Chicago for ten years, and for most of that time off of Ashland Ave. (Where the company is located), I still have never heard of them. And now I am definitely on the hunt to find more, as they produce more than thirty flavors from Green Apple to Banana to Grapefruit to Mr. Newport (which I assume is a cigarette flavored soda). But the theme today is watermelon, so let's get into it.

No actual watermelons were killed in the making of this soda, and for a high-fructose beverage, it's only 100 calories. The smell is very sweet and reminiscent of a candy watermelon. Low carbonation and almost a sticky-sweet texture as it flows down the ol' soda hole........If I did a blind taste test, and you asked me to tell you what it is, I would probably say Faygo Red Pop or Big Red. While there's the slightest hint of watermelon, it really tastes more like a classic red soda. Not bad at all, but not really what was advertised. I'd give it an 8/10 for flavor, but a 2/10 for overall watermeloniness. (patent pending)

Jolly Rancher Soda: Watermelon

This one is the second Jolly Rancher flavored soda to come from my friend Anisa. Those Albanians must really Love soda based on candy! I'm actually really excited to try this because of how much I loved the Blue Raspberry flavored one I had a few months ago. I already gave my thoughts on Jolly Ranchers in that review, so I am just going to dive right in and skip the lame jokes and pop culture references. I crack open the bottle and, oh yea, it's a watermelon Rancher. The smell is spot on. It's like they added some carbonation to melted candy. The taste? Freaking amazing. It's literally a liquid jolly rancher. For flavor: 9/10. For watermeloniness: That's tricky because while it tastes exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, it doesn't taste THAT much like a watermelon. More than Filbert's did though, so I'd go 7/10.

Trader Joe's Watermelon Cucumber Cooler

Finally, this one is a bit of a cheat as it's not a soda and not JUST watermelon flavored, but it's watermelon and it's in my fridge, so we're tasting it. I was a little late in the game in discovering Trader Joe's. I used to think that if I went in there, I would be sprayed with patchouli oil and forced to join a hackey sack league. Upon my first time shopping there, I asked for plastic bags and the whole place erupted in a pre-Civil Rights movement silence when someone crossed water fountains. But I've grown to love it, and one of my favorite things is their ever expansive line of juices. I've said it before, my favorite Gatorade flavor is the Cucumber Melon. So I have high hopes for this. It's actually made with watermelon and cucumber juice (concentrate) and there's a ton of sediment on the bottom of the jug which just screams "I'm real, dammit." Let's give it a shot, eh? It smells both exactly like watermelon and cucumber and also nothing like the two. It's hard to explain, and this blog has gotten long, so I'm not even going to try. (swig) Super, super sweet. I taste the flavors, but it is overwhelmingly sweet. 8% of your daily carbs and sugars, sweet. I would need to cut this with some water just to drink any more of it. Both flavor and watermeloniness (patent pending) get a 5/10. 

What a way to say goodbye to summer with these watermelon treats. Tune in next time where I drink dirt and grass...I wish I was kidding.

Crystal Pepsi (2016)

It's back! But was it ever really missed? The answer is...kinda. Like Surge, Crystal Pepsi has always had a cult following and the demand to see it again has always been pretty big. However, it was a bit of a flop when it was first introduced and Pepsi was fine with closing the vault on the experiment forever back in the 90s. It was unlikely for years that we'd ever see it again. And again, just like Surge, it was due to the outcry of like-minded nostalgia demand, led mainly by YouTube celebrity, the LA Beast, that got this item back on the shelves...for a limited time at least. Before giving my tongue another 90s bath, let's hit the interwebs for a brief history lesson on Crystal Pepsi.

That concert would have been pretty sweet!

While my nostalgia for Surge and Ecto Cooler remains solid because of what a huge part of my childhood and early teen years involved sucking it down like life support, Crystal Pepsi not only came around when I was younger (around 9), but it also lasted so briefly that it didn't put as big of a dent in my memory over time. I remember it existing, and I remember enjoying it (I think), but it came and went in a little more than a year. Pepsi experimented with their "caffeine free alternative" to Pepsi in select markets in early 1992 and it proved to be a hit. They rolled out complete production in 1993 and marketed it with stale headbangers Van Halen and stale impressionist Billy Crystal, who I guess were the hippest people in the go-go 90s.

Remember that Van Halen song, "Right Now?"
REMEMBER???? Me neither. 

Coca Cola tried to counteract the new clear soda craze with...Tab Clear. Which led every Generation Xer at the time to...not give a good god damn; most people were surprised that Tab was still around (and it STILL is today! and it STILL sucks!) And even with initial success, sales dropped rapidly for Crystal Pepsi as most people who like clear sodas realized they could just drink a Sprite, and most people who liked Pepsi, liked caffeine and so no point in drinking Pepsi without the magic wake-up dust. There was just no market for it, and by 1994, the stock was completely cleared out and it became nothing but an urban legend around the Pog tables and Roller rinks for nearly two decades. 

Interestingly enough, as nostalgia grew, and websites like eBay made vintage, unopened sodas a fun hunt for collectors, they began to surface online with a dark, muddy texture in their unopened bottles. Apparently, whatever magic turned Crystal Pepsi clear eventually wears off. Just like Poo-Be-Gone (Most obscure reference from most obscure movie ever). And as more and more of my generation decided to screw college and become internet reviewers and website stunt-boys, the legend grew and grew and the demand became overwhelmingly large. It made an extremely limited online only release around Christmas of last year, but was finally made available to the masses in August of this year. However, don't rest on your laurels and assume it'll always be around like Tab Clear (stupid), it's only around for an eight week release, which as of this writing means there's only four weeks left. I stocked up on enough to last the zombie apocalypse, but this may be the last time I'll ever taste a NEW Crystal Pepsi in my lifetime. So...is it worth it?

I crack it open and the fizz and carbonation dances around in the plastic bottle, probably listening to some Counting Crows songs. And the smell is so much like Pepsi but...not. It's interesting to note too that the new release does have caffeine unlike the original. Alright, I've waited 22 years for this, let's have a sip. 

Hmmm....It's definitely a Pepsi, but, for lack of a better explanation, it's Pepsi with a clear taste. It's as if you took a Sierra Mist, took out the lemon and lime flavoring, and shot it up with Pepsi instead. It's very bubbly and the aftertaste is almost that of seltzer water. I would say the nostalgia factor is a 10/10, but if I had to just go on taste alone, it's inferior to just a regular Pepsi. It's fun. It reminds me of watching X-Men cartoons and creeping out girls in elementary school, but it's not going to change my life or cure world hunger. Overall, a tasty treat that makes the rarity of it that much more enjoyable.

Okay, well my fridge is literally 75% weird sodas at this point, and I can't fit any real food in there, so I'm going to try and do these things on more of a regular basis. Hope you enjoyed how awesome I am.